It Was When

So, I asked myself, ‘when did it all begin?’

It was when I let someone tell me that I wasn’t good enough. It was when I looked in the mirror, turned side to side and back again. It was when I let those words sink into my spirit and sit, and marinate, and take hold.

It was when I began to believe them as my truth. It was when I left home without my crown. It was when you saw me, gave me a second look and smiled. It was when you softly caressed my face and looked into my eyes. It was when you kissed me lightly on the lips, took my hand, walked me home.

It was when I heard myself being called another name as I stepped inside. It was when I heard the words again and again and again of all the things I was not. It was when you rescued me, held my hand in public, pulling me close.

It was when I thought you loved me, madly, unconditionally. It was when I left the familiar for you even though you promised nothing. It was when you began to spit in my face, call me names that sounded eerily familiar. It was when the hand that used to hold mine, now made me flinch.

It was when I thought I had no way out, no one and nothing. It was when you knocked me down, kicked me, stepped over my body to get a beer. It was when I had three mouths to feed and no job.

It was when I refused to leave. It was when I knew the hospital staff intimately. It was when I lost our fourth child because you pushed me down the stairs.

It was when I got tired…of being kicked…bruised…raped…

It was then that I got up. It was then that I saw the tears and the fear in my babies’ eyes. It was then that I packed my bags, my dignity, my pride, my strength and my shoes.

It was then that I found my way here. And so, I’m sitting here in the quiet of the darkness waiting for that second wind to rush through the room. I relish in the sounds of my children breathing, sleeping peacefully.

Today was a good day I found my crown buried deep in a forgotten box. I was surprised that it still looked so good. I placed it on my head, stepped to the mirror and it was then that I knew I was a Queen!