It's Different Now

It's Different This Time

By: Natalie Marie Stefani Rice

You see them now and all it does is make you sad.

But you hurt for different reasons.

You realize that he no longer holds the key to your heart.

But you still hurt when you see him.

He looks different now.

His hair cut, his clothing.

I used to recognize everything he wore because I picked it out.

And now he's whispering his size in some other chica's ear.

He seems surprised to see me here.

He must have forgotten we both have the same friends, run in the same circles, like the same things.

I bet he's forgotten a lot of things.

He says hello and smiles.

But it's way different now.

He doesn't want me anymore.

He hasn't for a while.

He pushes; how are things going?

He ducks down to try to see in to my eyes, my hair hanging low in my face.

I don't let him in; I don't want to anymore.

I push back now looking up, brushing the hair from my face but not looking at him directly.

Good. You?

I don't need him anymore, I haven't for a while.

Body language.

If I could get a dime for every time my body gave me away I'd certainly be wearing Jimmy Choo heels with this dress.

He says he's ok but I know he's lying.

His body language speaks volumes.

While I'm twisting the edges of my navy blue dress he's got his ball cap wringing in his hands.

He talks about his new job, his new place.

He's standing in front of her car.

I cut him off.

I don't want to hear it.

I don't want to see it.

I don't have to.

Where's she at? I spit out abruptly.

Who? Wait, what?

He's stopped short and it's obvious he's not prepared to see me, to answer my unanswered questions.

I ignore his attempt.

The parking lot has become overcrowded even though it's just him and me standing there.

Standing there in an awkward silence.

We're both waiting for someone to say something.

And I realize I'm not crumbling in side.

This time I believe it's him that's caving.

He tells me I look great.

I tell him I feel great, never better.

And part of that is the truth.

I tell him I'm taking it day by day not expecting too much but I am healing.

He just bows his head and nods.

He knows how he destroyed me.

How he butchered my notion of love.

How he left me standing at the alter so to speak; helpless, broken and alone.

I had to mourn you you know.

He doesn't respond, I don't think he knows how to.

What do you say to the person you loved for so long when they tell you that them leaving was like they died to you?

He tells me he still loves me and always will, that he thinks about me all the time.

I want to snicker at this but I don't, I need to allow him to heal the way he knows how to.

I take my keys from my purse and begin to walk toward my car.

He walks with me.

We walk in silence.

And before I reach my vehicle he calls out my name.

I stop and turn and he's ten feet back, I love you forevermore he says.

I say it back and I mean it.

I love you too forevermore.

But it's different this time, it's just different.