It Gets Better...

I sit here bored out of my mind, and end up going through some of my old assignments. You expect nothing out of it, and then you find something interesting. Some that you can’t seem to get out of your head. You remember the origin for it, the reasons why and just think. Was I really that insane? Was I really that lost?

My moment was finding this poem:

Slowly falling down

Can you see the ground

Is it a color?

You can’t touch the bottom

Is it painful?

Dizzier and dizzier it gets

Is it better than this nightmare?

Lost the path, where are you going?

Every moment feels like hours

Just need to survive to the sunrise

Oh, what a long night

Now before getting ahead of ourselves, I am okay now. But finding this mixed in with a bunch of stuff was hard. I originally wrote this in one of my English classes. We were going over types of writing and then got an assignment to make a poem. Apparently this is what I came up with.

Though the lines may seem mysterious to someone else reading the paper, they are far from that to me. The poem is about uncertainty. The desire to live or the desire to end it all. It’s a circle of emotions, a circle of friendships. In the moment everything felt like it was crashing down. Then there is the side that is still searching, and needing a glimpse of something real.

While I wrote this, I remember saying I don’t really partake in poetry. I was scared of what the world would think of the words that I had to say. As in any art, to truly let loose you need to let go of boundaries. My problem was that my boundaries were harder to break than I put up. I was scared someone was going to send me to guidance, but now as the years passed by I realize something else.

It’s important to share what you have to say, because it might help someone else who is reading it. It might show to them that they aren’t alone, and that there are others who felt this way who got through it. So here I leave this and two other poems for the world to ingest.

You know what sucks?

Seeing a glimpse of happiness

Then having it ripped away

For all the reasons you could not control

For all the times you couldn’t conform

When your past gets in the way of everything

And all you know is the heartbreak

Watching from the shadows past

Thinking to yourself this isn’t supposed to be

But the shadows of what is right and wrong

Still resides too far from length

I saw the fading months before

Our box growing more and more

Till it became a circle

Started with our promises

We would tell each other

And we kept to

Trying not to question one another

“Are you okay?”

“Yes I’m fine”

And nothing was spoken because I told a lie

My trust issues never changed

And worsened along

Because you never said anything else

The box grew

I fell some more

You saw and couldn’t trust me alone

You never spoke

Never bothered to ask

So are box became nothing

But empty promises

And a web of lies.

Modern Sonnet

The blackness of the sky at night is your heart

You tell me to fight, but never give me the chance to start

Turn the tables around, would you like it much

The words are daggers, stings in my heart

It’s just me though

Am I lying? Or telling the truth?

I can’t tell the difference anymore, can you?

My pain can’t cure your disease

Though you can’t see that in me

My wrist are bleeding will you help?

What do you want from me?

I have nothing to give

I wish I could disappear

I may be weak but that doesn’t mean you are strong

Villanelle

I am crazy, I swear

I see the things you don’t

Time is fast, I can’t bear

The lies is I don’t care

“I’m okay.” My voice was hot

I am be crazy, I swear

There are days I’m just staring

Wondering how you forgot

Time is fast, I can not bear

Only if I could share

But I’m stuck in the thought

I am crazy, I swear

The smile is what I wear

I almost took a shot

Time is fast, I can not bear

Might be a time to dare

I am crazy, I swear

Time is fast, I can not bear