Is It the Beginning or Ending??

The minute I saw the skies colored in pure and innocent candy colors,

I had begun to wonder within my doomsday thinking

if it’s really the end of the line

Or could it be the beginning of something else??

The question has its positive and reaffirming answer one minute

then the next, it sways back to a ‘what if?’ level of worrying

being so worried about making the wrong choice

and taking the wrong path yet

it’s apparent that I need to trust myself a little more in making decisions

What if I give up all of the money and in return I end up backing out again?

What if I don’t have enough money to carry me through from one semester to the next?

What if I am not able to dig myself out of a hole that I put myself in?

These questions come in a violent storm of self doubt, wrestling with the likes of when

Mother Nature sends a tornado over in the Midwest

Only no one can see it or feel it but me.

Is this the beginning or the ending??

How can I trust myself in the knowing that everything is going to be okay and that

I will come out on the other side ten times better than how I started?

I want to believe it’s true, but the world has yet to show me any evidence

Is it time to stop being a “see it, I will believe it” type of man?

I have all of these ideas and plans for ways it could play out, but it still terrifies me

that I will never know how that path plays out fully until it happens

I have to have faith, but I’m afraid to get my hopes up

for the best possible scenario

The only place where I can confide my thoughts to is my journal

Even then it’s still a mess that no one will understand

if it became a novel on its own

Sometimes I'm trying to figure out the whole mess myself but in the attempt to do so, I wind up having the temptations to pull my own hair

Hopefully in this coming chapter, I'll step up to the plate for the sake of a better life no matter how much my habit of overthinking will make a situation way worse than how it really appears to be.

For now, I can put a brief pause

on my chaotic thinking with a subtle obsession to figure everything out

just to enjoy the sun rise in between the machinery

while another day goes by.