Intrusive Thoughts

I told you

Not to look at me

Too closely,

But not for the reasons

You might think…

Because you can stare

At my physical flaws

And I won’t falter

In my confidence

And I wouldn’t crumble

In insecurity

If you picked apart

My outward appearance…

Because with maturity

Those superficial things

Have become insignificant

And I have recognized

More unsightly

Parts of me

That I wish

To keep hidden

From scrutiny…

Like the demons

That live and breathe

To destroy my psyche,

And the internal hauntings

That keep me

From seeing clearly.

I never wanted you to see

How sometimes

They hijack my eyes

And I’m trapped

Behind their bastardized lies.

I never wanted you

To see the moments

When they pilot me

Into directions

That are hopeless.

I didn’t want you

To witness me

Unsteady on my feet…

Defenses down…

Weakness folding me

To my knees.

I never wanted you to hear

The hateful things

They make me say

And how they morph me

Into a prisoner

In my own fucking body.

So, when I asked you

To look away

It wasn’t because I worried

You would think

I wasn’t pretty,

But because I was hoping

That if you

Never laid eyes

On the darkness

That manipulates my mind…

Then maybe

It would finally resign

And let in some light.