Internal Conflict

Please forgive me for my dry eyes

I have only just woken up in mourning

N without prescription of the motions I’m to go through..

Doesn’t seem okay to be okay or fine

Feeling convicted by the gaze of those who care about me

but can only behold my stillness

Wondering when, not if, they’ll catch a glimpse of my pain

It is this waiting that gives life to my second guessing and sprouts flowers of fear

I know it’s not intentional

That there will be friends and family

with all the right questions

all the right concerns

all the right intentions

all these

Just to be lost on me

Please forgive me for my faults

I was already broken before this

I don’t know, I may be shattered

Resembling the floating particles of dust that find residence in space

All I know is that I have this eerie peace… holding me together

Or It may be the calm before the storm

Or maybe I’m in the thick of it

In the eye of a hurricane where all there is, is still and quite and me

Comforted by loneliness

I mean time alone

Where I can just be

And I’m sorry

Im just trying to figure out how to express myself in a moment where I don’t know how to do anything except put pen to paper

To write the things my lips won’t say

To divorce the concept of what’s expected of me

And to do these things unapologetically

So yes, I take back my sorry

I didn’t mean it

Its been a morning