Incompetent

Am I incompetent

if they say I am?

Even if I've worked

this same kind of job

for nearly a decade

and yet, nothing I do

is ever enough here.

I know I'm not really smart

I know I'm not as good as

that person, or the next

but I am here, and I think

that means something, doesn't it?

you say I'm wrong,

but I find it confusing,

because I don't remember

these examples you are using

to say what you want to say

need to say

to definitely get

your higher pay

for criticizing everything

about me

to make me feel

like maybe I really am

stupid. to act like

you think I don't know

it's ironic

because I think I'm

a great writer

how can you make me

feel so incompetent?

it makes me feel like

maybe I was right all along

that maybe I am worthless

and that none of that stuff

mattered in the first place

What's the point in

Anne Marie trying,

when your words

cut me deep, you think

I'm incompetent

just because I do things

differently than

how you would.

I know how to do

what I should

what you would want me to

but I'd rather be me

I'd rather do this

the only way I know how

and if I have helped people

and they are happy

I don't understand

why what you say

hurts me so much

you're just one person

they are many

but you sure don't know

how to inspire,

how to boost morale,

in this company

how to make me wanna be here

No. you make me feel

like a failure

you made me cry

I can't handle criticism

like others. and I can't help that.

It's the trauma I endured as a child

It made me so weak, so sensitive

Sometimes I also feel, though,

That someone must be punishing me

Because why can't I ever have a job

That inspires me, that makes me happy

Why can't I do something, where people

Admire me, are proud of me, think I'm smart

Instead of being around cynical assholes

Determined to break my heart

By saying I'm doing everything wrong

In my heart, I just want to belong

And be respected, and not

Be told I'm incompetent,

Because I don't think I am at all.

I'm smart, intelligent,

I can prove that to you all,

So maybe I should use this

As strength, to dry up my tears

To say to all those people

Who brought me down in

My career, who made me feel

Less than, just because I'm

neurodivergent. That I couldn't

Maybe I should use that as my strength

To push through, to do what I want to do

And live my dreams

But sometimes, it seems, that will never come true

And I'm tired of living with this black and white view

Of the world. I want to live in possibility

I want to live in "I believe in me". I want to live in

"Your work is inspiring, you are for admiring,

you have talent, you can't just be replaced"

My work has a name, a face

Unforgettable to you

I want to live in a place

Where someone admires me

And finally takes me seriously

Because I'm tired of people thinking

I'm not serious, or worth this

That I'm just not good enough.

I need to stop listening to that.

I need to stop giving a flying fuck

About other people's opinions

But sometimes it's hard

I take everything to heart

I'm like a lost little girl

Without any support

Just crying out for someone

To help me find my way

No one believes in me

I need to believe in myself

And I'm tired of always putting myself down

Maybe one day the world will see

That I have always been enough,

But right now, the one that needs

To see that the most, is me.