in stasis

My first true love broke my heart

Before I could articulate

What it meant

I was too young to comprehend

That this was above me

How could I know

That was just the start

Of years of trauma

From the one I’m supposed to call

Mama

I’ve tried over and over

To reconcile what really happened

And as I’ve gotten older

I’ve realized you did the best you could do

Or did you?

Now that I’m a mother

I’m confused

Now that I’m in your shoes

I could never move like you do

I’m sad beyond reason

Because I looked up to you

At least I used to

I’ve been pushing you away

And you insist on coming back

I fear this pain and this grudge will never leave

Just like you

You say you know me better than I think you do

I know for a fact that isn’t true

You don’t know what I do

Or what I like

I feel like you tell me you do out of spite

Out of guilt

I think of the future and how it will be

What I’ll tell my children

How I’ll relay this history

The things I won’t dare repeat

I’ll get my shit together and swallow my sadness, swallow my anger

I’m resigned to this feeling

Until I can forgive you

I’m still waiting