Imposter Syndrome

I know that I love you…

I acknowledge that I don’t know how to.

I also acknowledge that I want to. I love you in all the ways I want to be loved, because this is all that I know and selfishly hope you see the effort. I could give you the stars but if you desired the ocean the sentiment disappears, shrouded in the type of narcissism that can only accompany an ignorant lover. I’ll blame you when you fail to swoon, upset by the lack of basking in my admiration. You’ll comfort me and we’ll start again. Teach me how to care for you because I desperately want to. But is it because I love you or. Because I want you to love me too? Could you be anyone? Or do I love you and feel I need to prove I’m worthy? Do you see all the things I see in you? Am I loving you wrong or just not enough? Even though I’m pouring from an empty cup. do you not know how to love me or I’d it spite for not loving you correctly? I kiss your lips, undress when you request, serve you your meals, and tidy your things. Do anything I can to show you I care, that my biggest hope is you’re happy. This isn’t your faulqt nor responsibility. Though it seems like you enjoy, is it politeness rather than fulfillment? Is this what I’ve been taught or what you’ve shown me? Am I doing enough? Am I more of a chore than a hobby? When I say it is it not believable? When I need to touch your skin, do you understand? Is there a place for me in your chest where you hold space for the rest? When you kiss me back is it just for the sake of reciprocation? When you wrap your arms around me, do you understand? When you come because I need you, is it just because it’s the nice thing to do? But what do I do to do that for you? Can I hold your hand, would it help? Can I snuggle you close, would you feel it?

I pour into you until you overflow, smothered and overwhelmed. Then I don’t understand when you need to recover because “there was nothing wrong”. You’re my waterfall, but I dry up the rivers that feed you and wonder why you don’t wash over me anymore. I need to be able to love you, but do you need me not to? Do I care enough to know the truth? Am I loving you into hating me?