I’m the Undead

I was on the bus this morning

when I realized I looked terrible

It shouldn’t come as a surprise to me

Most days I either look UN-dead or just barely alive

I suffer from the cold grip of depression

and I scream in the fiery grip of anxiety

Most people would ask how is anxiety like fire

because they’ve never felt the heat of eyes looking at you

Judging you

Sending you into a downward spiral of doubt and dismay

You wonder what you did wrong

But can’t seem to remember doing anything

So you go back through the ages trying to remember

Making you remember every embarrassing thing you ever did

Making you wonder if you let your parents down

If your sister loves you

If your family cares

When you look into my eyes you’ll either see an endless void

Or a wild blaze of anxious fire

If you see the void you’ll realize that space must be cold and lifeless

because if my eyes can hold so much nothingness then space must be ten times worse

You’ll think to yourself I’d rather face the horrors that lie at the bottom of the ocean

Then face the demons that haunt her almost every day

If you see the wildfire you’ll want to move to the north pole to escape the heat

Or maybe space would be the only place to extinguish the fire

You’ll be astonished at how fast my eyes can move

as they dart back and forth because they're looking for an exit

I always need to know where the closest door is in case my anxiety gives me a panic attack

And I always hope that it doesn’t because it’s been so long since I had my last one

That is if you count 1 week as a long time

I try my hardest to have them where no one can see them

because I don’t want anyone else to have to deal with my problems

Because that’s what my mind is in the end

Just a problem that I have to deal with

Just another thing in my life that has let me down

Stomped and kicked me when I tried to get up

But in the end, even if I end up looking un-dead most of the time

At least I’m still alive

This zombie-like body is one thing I can count on

Even if my mind seems like it’s trying to kill me!