If You’re Guilty

You know who you are. When you pressed yourself into my happiness, and shivered with guilt until you left me with so much despair that the thought makes me feel like I can never be the same again.

But I can. I know I can now. Because I cried and had panic attacks. Because no one was there to hold me after you dug your thumbs into my soul and tainted my laughter black.

Looking back, I hardly know what to tell myself besides it'll be okay because not only did you rape me, but you were my best friend in high school and I used to love you so much that your sadness made me want to cry.

But now I have to heal from you. No, not get over it because this isn't a heartbreak. I have to fucking heal from you because yes your circumstances are horrible, but now I can't get it out of my head.

The way you lusted after me. The way you tried to control me. And I'm just stuck. Between this distorted static of the guy I thought you were and the guy you were instead. First you were, well, you.

Then you were my father touching me before I was old enough to walk. Then you were every rapist I ever had. Then you were the reason I woke up in the middle of the night rocking with tears streaming down my face.

One day you were my rock, then you were the boulders sitting so heavily on my chest that I couldn't fucking breathe. You were the only one I trusted. And now. Well, I'm not sure, but I am healing and that's all I can do.

I won't hate you. I will never hate you. But I can never love you again either. I pray you get the help you deserve. Because no bodies perfect and you put a blade so deep in my heart that love seems impossible.

I was right where you wanted me. I played the fucking role and I didn't even know there was a script. I was right beside you. And yet I never felt so numb in my life. I just sat there with you in hell. And I didn't even know.

Fuck.

I didn't even know. But tonight I let you go. Tonight, I let all of you go.