if

You didn’t see me

But if you did

I imagine the spark

That would have ignited

In your eyes and in my chest

And the room would fade

To just us two

The beginning

Of you and me

I imagine you’d say

We should find a quiet place

And we would talk

Until the sun rose

We would tell our secrets

We would wonder

Who would lean in first

We would pray

It wasn't all a dream

We would arrange to meet

Tomorrow

And the next day

Until

We couldn't go long

Without talking to each other

You would learn

My favorite book

And I would learn

Your childhood nickname

You would learn

How it sounds when I cry

And I would learn

The meaning of your silences

We would know each other

Without words

And we would build a life

A beautiful life

We would create a home

Marry

Celebrate

The highs

Weather storms

Together

Give advice

And listen quietly

And

I would hide it

At first

These dark times

I have

It would be simple

Because the way you would kiss me

Would change everything

Would make me believe

I could be loved

Would be

Something I could hold onto

Every day

God, I love you

The years

Would form layers

Around us

Holding us close

Until

I couldn't hide it anymore

Because of course

I couldn't

It was foolish

To think it was possible

And you would love me

Before you realized

All that I am

All the darkness

That lives inside me

So

You wouldn't

Couldn't leave

Even when

My numbness

Came back again

When my doubt

And fear

Back again

My shaking

Shallow breaths

My overthinking

And uncertainty

Back again

Again

We would stay in

You would miss out

And your world would shrink

Smaller and smaller

You would say it's okay

You would say

You love me

But the storm in my head

Wouldn't let me believe you

You would let me

Pull you down

Into the darkest depths

And your spark would dim

Dim until it was gone

When your friends

Your family

Would wonder what happened

To you

So full of life

Before you met her

They would say

She changed you

And it would kill me

To watch you

Forget your dreams

For me

You didn’t see me

But I saw you

Across that crowded room

And I knew I wasn’t right for you

But my God, you were right for me

So I didn’t say hello

You’ll never know

All that you were spared

You'll never know

The life we lived

In those moments

From across the room

And how I loved you

And how we fit

And how I wish I’d never seen you

Never known

That you walk this earth

Never known

All that could have been

Maybe

I’ll let myself live in the fantasy

Sometimes

When the loneliness is too much

Imagine that it was

Everything it could have been

If I was someone different

If we were us

I’ll love that version of you

And you’ll love that version of me