I thought I could swim until you stopped me from drowning

in the middle of my silent days

you ran interference through thoughts whose only purpose

was to run interference through

anything good

or possibly good

that made its way into the rotation

of random pain

keeping me rooted firmly

on the backhand of a smile

snapped in place like the snapping of

my bra in the hands of middle school

boys that found it awkward to walk

when my puberty

kick-started theirs

so, 'SNAP'

there goes my dignity in that

seemingly innocent violation

that no one ever calls by name

where silence gives them permission

to make fun of my already mortifying

body changes that

took me from innocent and invisible

and thrust me into the spotlight so no one would notice

the way they were mortified

with their own reactions to my puberty

I hid behind oversized sweaters and sarcasm

never looked a boy in the eye

stopped talking

so maybe I could

pretend I was invisible and happy

or at least not naked

beneath these people who stole from me

without repercussions...

it lingers...

fast forward

through being made painfully aware that a size 10 was massive compared

to all my size 5 friends

but they were 5'2" not almost 5'8"

they still looked like a board

not a pinup girl from old-timey calendars

but fat is fat wherever it happens to land under thin skin

collecting into silent reservoirs

of self-loathing ammunition...

it lingers...

fast forward

through the first time 'no' held no meaning

shocked into silence and tears

still whispering... please...don't

as words were less weapons and more entrapment

where a body betrays in unwanted reactions

used as proof against my truth

or my perception of truth

or...it must be true because if I

really didn't want it...

but fear and panic can garner the same

physical responses as passion

and it would be too many years before I knew that...

it lingers...

fast forward

to the last time I knew I was beautiful

and the only time I ever let a friend

convince me that going home with these guys was ok

she wanted company and

she was my ride

she never did get lucky

I...

got a cracked sternum where his chin held me down

I kept my voice this time

but the music was so loud

my words remained unheard

no still held no meaning

my wrist bruised in his hand

one hand frantically stretching clothes out of the way

while my free hand struggled frantically

to keep those same clothes at my waist

but...

spandex is unkind on so many levels

somewhere in this fight with his

knees bruising my calves into position

he was thoughtful enough to

somehow, someway

utilize a condom, whose wrapper

never made into the trash

I know this as I followed my friend's

gaze first to the shiny torn package

then twist into what looked like pride

and on the way home

before the bruises turned purple

I told her... and she laughed

it lingers...

she said if that were true

and he stopped to put on a condom

why didn't I escape his hold

but his grip never changed

and when he took those 3 seconds

to rip it open with his teeth...

I was trying to wriggle free and keep my shorts up

and scream over music playing way too loud

I couldn't look at her

or show her the bruises when they appeared

I shouldn't have to prove myself to a friend

I lost more than my dignity

on my 21st birthday...

it lingers...

But at least I knew I didn't deserve it...

that time

but if I wasn't pretty or thin or

anything remotely attractive

maybe it would never happen again

but...

fast forward

to wisdom earned and extra curves

but hating oneself never diminishes

without draining that pool of self-loathing

so, fast forward

present-day and my mom's voice mocks my dreams

she always told me that, when they care,

what I look like doesn't matter

but...

she never mentioned what would happen

if I was the one who didn't care

I learned that when I can't see past

my incessant imperfections

that I'd never believe anyone would notice

when I try to drown myself

in that pool of past truths

that my withdrawal into the

abyss of pain

could possibly ever matter

if it doesn't even matter to me

but...

it lingers...

and every time I hide from the world

masking my pain with silence

stepping out of the way trying not to

burden people with my shame and weakness

I still cannot fathom

if when the people that crawl into my skin

ripping my truth into that pool of lies

can't be bothered noticing my silence

searching for a safe-enough distance

then, how could... why would... anyone else

See,

I've grown accustomed to not mattering

to myself

trained into the seeming safety of silence

where I grate my self-esteem

on the very invisibility I had longed for

so many years ago

I care so much

but it never makes sense

when someone cares enough to notice anything I do,

especially when I'm trapped in my own darkness

but to bring it to my attention is so rare

that I find myself absolutely perplexed

I don't know what it's like to be seen

or... I didn't

but...

you saw me

you saw my distance

and tried to understand my pain

you told me I changed

and answered when I asked you

to tell me how

I am invisible

it's how I cope with heartache and broken trust

disappointment and pain

unfortunately, it's also how I cope

with personal joy and

anything that might resemble pride

I feel, but the invisibility...

it lingers...

so, today...

when in the middle of my silent days

or weeks or who knows how long

I've been drowning in the abyss in slow motion...

today, you ran interference through thoughts

whose only purpose

was to run interference through

anything good

or possibly good

that made its way into the rotation

of random pain

keeping me rooted firmly

on the backhand of a smile

your honesty, reflecting the truth that

I'm likely the only one who

actually doesn't notice my own withdrawal into isolation

was as surprising as that first

snapping of my bra

but I found my voice enough

to apologize for the shame I didn't earn

yet so freely project onto everyone

touched by the perception of invisibility

in which I hide

but you saw me

and proved I am not invisible

you cared enough to notice

and...

...it lingers