I thought I could erase myself

When things were really dark

I'd spend whole days

imagining how I could

erase every trace of myself

All of the notebooks that needed to be burned,

shames loaded into garbage bags,

sent to landfills

Any trace of what I didn't want others to see

taken with me to the grave

erased

wiped away

So when I decided to take my own life

my loved ones would be left with a perfect memory

There would be nothing to tarnish their perfect illusion

Now I want to leave a mess

I don't want to hold the power

of deciding how I die

I hold the power of deciding how I live

I wont allow my shame to erase me

I concern myself with living

and not with the mess I'll inevitably leave behind

I wont be here for that part

I am here now

I can be here now