i thought about you

5.8.21.

I thought I would write more here. It’s been two months. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about you every minutia of every second of every minute of every damned day. I have. You are like fire in my veins. I don’t know how to put you out. This depression is my greatest muse. It’s also unbearable combined with the distance between us. I have a secret hope that I’ll never feel this way when I’m with you. That it will just go away forever. I know it doesn’t work that way. But I hope. Now I’m stuck. Thinking about you in a million ways and not writing. It’s a mess up there, in my brain. I can't put together two coherent thoughts. I’ll start one but then your face will flash before my eyes. And I won’t be able to look away. I’m paralyzed from within. My heart skips beats. I forget to breath. Blood rushes and burns. Where are you? Not here. Not here with me. How cruel is this world? This god? Why do we love from such a distance? Will we ever close this gap? What if it’s just the distance? What if? What if. Im scared. I can’t stop the tears. You tell me I’m yours and you mine. I know. I trust. But what if? What if. Make them stop. Please. Make them stop. The thoughts. The doubt. The unknown. Stop. I hold onto this pillow but it’s nothing like the shape of you. The hardness of your chest. The heat you radiate. The sound of you. The smell of you. The color of you. It’s nothing like the shape of you. But I soak it’s skin just the same. I have nothing but your words. And while lovely words they are, they are not. Not enough. They can’t hold me now. They can’t kiss me now. They can’t wipe the tears from my cheeks. They can’t run their fingers through my hair, catching knots and pulling. They can’t kiss my forehead. There is no substitute. No earthly equivalent to you, my love.