I Think it's time

I think it's time to stop saying "fuck it."

I'm pretty sure I'm going to say "fuck it,"

tomorrow and probably the next day and

even the next week and the next month.

Recently my mind has been focused on my mortality -

about the life I've lived and the years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and even seconds I have left.

At the forefront of this particular cluster

of thougts is parenthood, lol. My parents had sex in a closet as teenager in 1984 and unfortunately i was born 9 months later.

At 40 now, I think my ability or the achievability or faintest possibility of having a child has passed me.

But this strange stage of my life, this strange maternal (or paternal for you homophobes) feeling has been present for years

Only recently have i relaized that years of drinking and fucking myself into oblivion in search for this has proven fruitless.

hmm...so i think i should stop saying "fuck it."

Somethings just aren't meant to be. Right?

Drinking water for 10 days didn't cure this ache

drinking water for 14 days didn't cure this ache

drinking water for 21 days (or more i think) didn't change me.

Drinking every alcholoic bevearge known toman for 19 years certainly didn't help, did it?

What has changed, though, is my desire to move forward and stop saying fuck it. But for the near future, I feel myself saying "fuck it," alot.