I miss you

I miss you—but not the you I dated, the you I lost. I don’t miss the person who learned to hate me. I miss the person who was oh so eager to get to know me.

I don’t miss crying every day because of you, but I miss how, when I did, you would hold me in your arms and tell me everything was going to be okay—how your voice sounded when you said you were sorry. I miss when you actually were sorry—when you made a mistake and tried your best not to make it again.

Though I never really cared, because I miss the you that would mess up again and again. I miss when you showed all your flaws—the flaws I loved so much—because I love you… Loved you.

I don't miss how we fought all the time, but I miss how it was always for our relationship, but then you gave up on us, and I ended up in a fight with myself.

You told me we just needed time, and you didn't want this to last, but I have a feeling that was all just in the past. And even though it hurt, I still miss the moment we broke apart, because there was still a flicker of hope left for us. Now I've just been left all alone in the dark. Though it’s not like I'm scared of the dark, I just miss the light sometimes. I miss your laughter when it was pure and genuine, but not the laugh you have now; it sounds different somehow. I miss when we would stay up on the phone all night, but not when it became forced every time. I miss when my biggest dream for us was to get married instead of breaking no contact. I miss the paragraphs you would stay up and write at night, but not the ones that somehow always turned into a fight at the start of the day. I don't miss starting off my day upset with you. I miss when I was so excited to see you. I don't miss how I didn't deserve how poorly you treated me, but I miss when we were both happy—just how happy we could be. I don't miss how I always wasted too many tears on you and how my friends always held pity in their eyes when they saw me standing next to you. I don't miss how you made me shake with sorrow, nor do I miss how I always thought, “maybe it will be better tomorrow.”

I don't miss a lot of things about you; I just miss when I could love you.