I Know You Hate Me

I know you hate me,

But I hate me more.

I can’t deal with this pain anymore.

This isn’t new for me, it still sore.

I think my brain has been broken since before I was born.

As a little girl I wanted to be someone else,

I wished I could be a white girl.

White girls always got the best,

and the others only got the rest.

I didn’t like I was born brown,

I wished I was taller, richer and not looked down.

I guess I hated everything about me,

I hated that I was born poor,

And my mom and dad lived in an war.

Please save me I said to God, and I heard no one, just my own voice.

I screamed for love and no one saved me.

As an easy bait I fell in the arms of who wanted me manipulated.

I felt free and accepted, because the darkness embraced me.

I thought people finally saw and heard me. The darkness stole my innocence, and

I was poisoned by people full of insolence.

I fell lower than the ground

Still no one heard me shout.

The ones that should have protected me just exploited me.

All they wanted from me was my money,

Like all I could be was their Easter bunny.

Is there love somewhere I asked? Can someone save me? Can someone love me?

Can I love me?

Evil saw I needed saving

Evil saw I wanted love,

But all I got was my belief destroyed.

They wanted my love for their own pleasure.

When I finally escape I was more broken than ever.

Now more broken than ever before, and I knew no love, and all I had was destruction and gore.

All I knew was suffocation and manipulation.

How can I love?

How can I love myself?

Then real love came out of me,

And I realized when it screamed at me and set me free.

I had to learn to give what I never had, and

It was harder than I expected.

My heart broke so many times,

To be good and always be right.

I couldn’t be perfect, I couldn’t always be correct, and the more I tried I got disconnected.

This new little person loved me, and all I wanted was to be the best I could be.

But my mind was still broken,

My soul was still searching for something more.

Then I met someone and I thought he was the one.

Unfortunately I searched for love in the wrong place again, and one more time I fell on the drain.

Love was already with me

I just needed to see.

Time went by until I realized, that

I really needed to see the light.

And once more I prayed all night,

To see a sign to live my life.

The little love that I created gave me strength not to be isolated.

He taught me to always fight and learn to love my broken mind.

One day I welcome another broken soul,

To our world that was our own.

He loved me just the way I am, and he gave me power to be the queen and not a tram.

Nothing is perfect thats ok,

we learn to love in many ways.

Even when love bends it still have strength,

Love can go any length.

And from that union, I learned something more, that no one is perfect and all we need is to love.

To love myself was always hard, and to learn to be loved was still a challenge.

Once again love came out of me,

And now I finally see.

God never gave up on me,

He always guided me out of the Dead Sea.

My mind sometimes says lies,

And many times all I do is cry.

Crying inside my soul, so no ones sees, because I know I am not the only one with this disease.

The screaming pain that is in my brain, it keeps me sometimes in the drain.

I always remember where I came from, and I know I need healing for my tired soul.

I learned to love myself from those I gave birth to.

And I will never mourn my past self in the mirror, because that sad girl now is now my hero.

Edna Freeman