I Hate U

And if you wondered if I hate you….

I do

Crazy for me to assume that someone who extends their hours that aren't promised, to promise me nothing, would have something real to offer. I guess it was my fault for seeing the good in you, that my light casted your shadows out of the darkness. In reality, it blinded me to what they really looked like. What I saw was what could’ve been us, a reflection of my vision and your narcissistic ability to mimic my personality. Maybe I was manifesting the relationship I needed with myself the whole time, and seeing how honest and driven I was for you to see me, was my sign to see what was really in front of me. You would think there were cameras capturing these imaginary montages of time we spent together, but it was just my photographic memory trying to embed what the best parts of me looked like before I lost them in your voids. It’s as if you didn’t even respect your own time or energy, how you just gave it away to me in exchange for nothing. Well, it was something but it wasn’t a fair exchange if it left me hopeless and empty-cupped, while you paraded your sudden motivation to fight your demons, leaving me in the dark with the rest of your skeletons. You were fire and I was water, neither really able to survive in the presence of the other element. Truly a chemistry project gone wrong. As if the periodic table didn’t already hold all the chemical compounds needed to create a bond, I mixed everything together just hoping to recreate that pretty green flame to mimic my heart chakra.

I saw everything for what it was when it showed up, and still wanted to investigate because maybe, there was something I just hadn’t seen yet. I thought maybe if I poked and prodded at your sweet spots some more, I could break through the wall and see the other side of the rainbow but it never rained. And when it did, the drops were acidic, poisonous, as they fell to touch my skin and I didn’t reach to wipe them away. I let them fall into a cauldron. I guess you could say the tears would be used in a potion to make you love me, then I realize how I used your emotions against you. If you didn’t love me you wouldn’t have cried, you told me you couldn’t show vulnerability or gentleness even if you tried. I figured it couldn’t hurt to show you real because if you wereliving your truths, it would be reciprocated. Why not try to allow water to flow and wash away the debris, maybe even soften some of those sharp edges of yours? While I was trying to be the water that soothed your body in a bubble bath after a long day, you made the water in me boil to temperatures that I watched evaporate as steam from the crown of my head. As much water as I poured onto your fire, there still wasn’t enough oxygen to revive the now dead plants in your garden. So I offered you one of my flowers, in hopes that it would initiate the planting of new seeds, only to watch you sell them to someone else, for a smaller price than what my work was worth.

So if you’re wondering if I hate you

Fuc k you!