I don't have to be perfect to be loveable.

I would spend hours in my head about how love would go for me

I used to build myself up to break myself down again as I knew that in terms of love I was weak

after stumbling on a longing

It didn’t go exactly how my fantasies said

I knew it wouldn't, the first crack in the glass might not shatter it but will start it

It wasn’t horrible but it did make me feel low a lot

because of how perfectly I could start to see the cracks in the mirror that I had refused to look into

I refused as it would make me tired to try and figure out what it was reflecting,

A poorly put-together puzzle

anytime I'd try to figure out another piece, a shard would delicately slice my finger and I'd stare at the reminder of my fragility and overwhelming feeling of helplessness

helplessness because what's done is done,

how ones been treated has been tended to,

how the upbringing of self altered the projection of self has been displayed at the drive-in, in which parties of three can glare at

popping popcorn, pressing pause to take notes

the second party being the present, the third being the highest

fragility because it'll be a painfully liberating ride to the core of this sore

I never meant fragility to be a weakness in this journey, how else would I bend and not break

fragility can be played like a harp.

your fingers will be numb after the melodies have poured out. both beautiful and painful.

It didn’t go exactly how my fantasies said

It wasn’t horrible but made me feel low a lot

I could say 'they' made me feel this way,

but the reflection is in the pudding,

as much as the projection of their own self, I didn’t know what else to do but please them and take them all in with little to no sense of self left. that's all I knew to do.

Ha.

I should've expected, especially when I lost a lot of love for self along the way towards eventually wanting more of it

I wish I was ready to be better in love

For self, I can control and heal

For others I desperately wanted them to see other sides of me but it had felt like chains on my throat, my heart, my mind …

I didn’t know how to and when to show any type of affection

I’d talk myself out of giving and even more so out of receiving

I’m proud of what I’ve started to become

I heard somewhere about myself that I effortlessly and naturally ‘use’ others for my own growth

I’d write and cry

I’d push and pull

And these were the insights of love for self

I’ll get it right soon. not that I got it wrong or have ever because I love people hard and intensely

I just need to feel okay with showing that and receiving that back

My fantasies had been lying about the realities

They’d forgotten to tell me that parts of me were missing so I couldn’t fully receive,

honestly, I didn't really want to receive

all I’d been doing is giving

I think I realise now that I’d been giving not only out of nature but also out of fear

So no one would have an excuse to leave

But they usually did,

From when I was young to the reason why I feel as if I’m no fun and the department of love being numb

So I wonder if they could see right through me

Which would be hard because I never really let people see me in the first place

They’d only see what they can take from me, and I’d only show them that

Comfort, support, empathy, healing…

People say to me “I feel safe around you”

I'd be honored to hear those words, it fed a part of me that was only exhaling and I’d know they’d be taking what I was given and never seeing the other self that had been dying for some living

Comfort, support, empathy, healing…

All of that is a part of me, but I think people would only stop there with me because that’s all people really need in this life

Comfort, support, empathy, healing…

if they go in too deep they might not be able to get free, but they will feel free if they just let it be and stare deeper into me

And I’m so so so happy to give

But I’m so so so hurt with the amount that has been taken

I’m taking it all back. yet I’m still giving all I can

I don’t think people see any of this unless I told or showed them a peek

Authenticity is the soul made visible

My soul seems very visible and yet invisible to the naked eyes

But look with the other

and uncover because we're all such gorgeous motherfu...

and you don't have to be perfect to be loveable.

I love you.