I Didn’t Miss Him

I didn’t miss him when I moved home

I didn’t miss his striking blue eyes

Or his lovely curly hair

Or how happily he guzzled down

My chocolate chip cookies

I didn’t miss hiking with him

And the way he hiked with me

Symbolized our entire relationship

When we hiked together

We weren’t actually together

He was always at least 100 yards

Ahead of me and at one point close to an entire mile

I often couldn’t see him and clearly

How I was doing and feeling

Were irrelevant

Sex with him was a similar experience

I didn’t miss it when I moved

Sex with him was so stressful that

I can count on one hand the number of times

I would consider it pleasure

And we were tougher for over a year

When I was with him I didn’t yet love my body

I wasn’t comfortable dancing in high heels

And not a lot of clothes

I didn’t listen to sex podcasts almost daily

And I wasn’t writing about sex very often

When I moved home I didn’t miss

Being afraid to say no that doesn’t feel good

I didn’t miss feeling the most alone I have ever felt

Sitting next to someone

I didn’t miss being put down

And I didn’t miss being told that things I love were stupid

On the day I broke up with him

I went to a dance class where we danced

To Level Up by Ciara

I believe in that sort of life affirming validating magic

All the time

I leveled up buy filling the voids

Of how he couldn’t love me by loving myself

In those ways

I didn’t miss him

I missed myself