I Cannot Live With You

Look at me and look at you.

You serious?

Please.

You want me to live with you?

And you think I’d be happy?

Pssh.

Let me paint the picture:

Me, I’d be all cute and everything,

Your little trophy wife,

You’d put me up on that pedestal and brag,

Because you KNOW I look better than your old hag wife.

Yeah, you know she’s a hag.

We all do.

Including that old minister you worship.

The one who keeps trying to make us consummate,

Wants me to give it up to you—

in the missionary position, probably.

But getting back to that horse you married--

You know she old and broken.

And I’m the best you ever knew.

I’m not busted up and worn down.

But okay suppose I said yes.

Became your wife.

Then what? You old and crusty.

I’m young,

And vibrant.

You’d die before me for sure.

And then what? Think anyone’d want me after that?

I’d be a used thang (not beat like your old saggy wife though.)

I’d still be cute no matter how old I got.

But no one’d want me. Know why?

Because I’d be a widow.

And widows are bad people.

Disgusting and bad.

And look.

Look at what you wanna do for a living.

I need a man with money honey, not some power trippin’ dude

who praises Jesus,

Even though you know as well as me that you’re no angel.

You’d drag me

Across the country

Take me away to God knows

so that you and my memories of everything I ever knew

and have ever known

are all I have

All so you can preach about God.

Watch them judge you the way you judge them.

I mean seriously,

What the hell kind of good are you seeing about that profession that I don’t?

Nothing good can come out of that.

And what if something happened to the boat?

We’d both be lost, suckah!

And if the people revolt?

We’d both be dead—well, they might save you but they’d sacrifice and dump me. I heard those people do those things

To cute girls like me.

So no doubt I refuse your proposal.

I can’t deal with drama.

I’m too pretty.

And you’re just not good enough.

So you go your way,

And I’ll go mine.

I’ll think of you once in a while, like when you’re sailing

And I’ll wave goodbye to you in my prayers.

Goodbye… goodbye…

You were like a brother to me…

And always will be.