I Cannot Hear the Beating Heart

I Cannot Hear the Beating Heart

I can recall the horrors of my misguided youth.

Without effort, I turn the eye inwards, and revealed

In their glorious ignominy

Are the acts of the unintelligent, indelible self.

I cringe in regret and embarrassment

From things that no other soul recalls.

I sighed to loudly to myself, about some inner sadness,

But it was during orientation at university,

As some bright eyed girl had just finished saying something

That was “brave” because it was a bit naive.

The social contract, and the presence of a teacher,

Required a response of either simple silence,

Or some fawning kindness.

I know how to hold my tongue, but by inattention,

My sigh and her finished sentence coincided.

The professor assigned to `orient` us,

Tried to scorch me into nothing with their gaze.

I remember asking out a co-worker who wanted

Very little more than to be free of unwanted suitors

Like myself.

Cornered at work she agreed to a date.

Only,

When she had more people around to support her,

She loudly changed her mind and stated,

“I don’t date people I work with.”

Again and again I cringe when I remember,

A woman to whom I was attracted asking me,

"Do you like strong women?"

And I responded, "What, you mean like football players?"

I remember, being dragged to a neighbor child’s

Piano recital. I had to go, still dressed in

My junior soccer league equipment

Because my mother was busy and could not

Pick me up.

In my soccer short shorts I had to sit on the floor,

Thighs exposed in a room full of adults and children in slacks.

The neighbor kid was not as good as the other children.

It did not help that I farted long and loud during his

Mediocre performance.

I said out loud,

In front of an overweight and plain woman

Whom I knew was lusting after me,

“I just wish attractive people would be interested in me.”

These things and their attendant horror

Rock my nervous system should I think of them,

And remember them with too much effort.

The monstrosity is revived,

Experienced in full, again and again.

I do remember, there was a moment of joy

Unlike any I had ever felt before.

The ultrasound wand passed over my wife’s belly

And I heard the heartbeat of my first child.

I was nearly projected outside of myself with love.

The joy was stunning. I did not know one could feel

Such intense happiness.

It was gone in an instant.

No matter how much I concentrate,

Or how many times I try to send my mind back,

I cannot hear that heartbeat.

The joy eludes me and grows dimmer each day.

Every other filthy thing

Only ever gets stronger.