I Blame You

He's gone

I blame you

He's not breathing!

He's not breathing!

I can still see him lying on the living room floor

The shake of the paramedic's head

The blue robe that he was wrapped in

I blame you

I say that you tried, and you did...just not with him

I feel his absence so deeply

Have you ever felt anything at all

He's gone

I blame you

Your unending indifference is enraging

Your expectations for my silent indifference are shattering

How can he not matter to you

How can you be so callous

How can you ask me to be the same

I blame you

He's gone

Nothing that I do can bring him back

I think about him, I grieve his loss

I remember him

I wanted to hold him when he came home, you forbade it

I wanted to help with him, you said absolutely not

I held so much love in my heart for him, you never cared

I wanted us to grow up together

He's gone

I blame you

To you and yours, those who knew us both

I have no right to grieve.

I have no right to speak

I should be silently indifferent to loss

Everyone was so busy singing your praises, why should he matter

I guess he was just a footnote to you & yours, if that

A paragraph, a handful of sentences

A few words on a stone

I blame you

I sang your praises, too

I tried to push all of my feelings down, bury them so that they wouldn't affect me, affect us

They always leaked out

They colored the happy times in shades of grey

They made the silence deafening

They made me hate myself for staying so quiet

For trying to make everything ok again

For trying to take us back to where we were

Because I wanted everything to be ok again, I wanted you to love me

And those who don't do what you want, well, they aren't really people to you, are they

Is that why you didn't care

Because he couldn't do anything for you, he wasn't useful

Is it because he was too little to do what you said, to be a pawn in your ridiculous games

Nothing has been the same since he went away

How could you care about me and not him

How could those who knew us feel nothing

How can you & yours expect me to pretend that he never existed

To believe that he didn't matter

I blame you

I love you, but I hate you

He's gone, and I hate you so much

I hate you , down to my soul

But you will never know

Because those are the words I will never speak

He's gone, and I blame you

He's gone

And it is all your fault