I am checked out

Alone

Lash out , checked out

The only one that I can trust

Mentally beaten

Formally, Battered and laughed at

Intentional betrayed over and over

I feel weird around many sober

Still when sober my words easily can become slurred

Sometimes it takes me a minute to process my words and that makes many frustrated with me

Always rushing me or in other words hurrying me along.

That’s not what I was trying to say, or even what I meant.

Embarrassing me making me feel just that little.

Embarrassment , embarrassing

Don’t nobody listen to me they just go off what they’ve heard.

Although I give everyone the benefit of the doubt this is not what this is supposed to be about.

You can ask me anything but I know you’re going based off what you already think of me deep down and that’s cool too.

I don’t live in nobody’s head, don’t walk in their shoes and they could never fill mine, no doubt.

They don’t worry about my hurt because they know I’m going to pick myself back up and probably get back on my feet.

I don’t want or need no pity.

Just like y’all I hurt to, and I want to be seen as human.

I have never had that luxury.

I used to believe I could open up to the ones that love me like I love them if not more.

I learned very young nobody has your back.

I’m glad that’s over with.

When I’m most vulnerable, they have and will use that against me.

To hurt me and kill me from the inside.

Not everyone can hide their pain as well and I must be the best at that shit I’m telling you.

Hiding in my own home, alone and leave me here by myself.

I don’t want the prayers from y’all because i don’t put nothing past people when they’re behind my back.

So much goes down that the Holy Spirit & my ancestors are protecting me from.

I had decided that I don’t need no one else.

The vibes been off, and the love was never real.

Here’s the deal though, that is really how they feel.

And before I lash out again which I’m sure I will because everyone is a great actress just leave me the hell alone.

I have been on my own since I was four years old. I’ll tell you what I say.

Just like the words, try talking to anyone older then me who never listened because they believed they thought that they already knew what they thought they heard.

All of these years, laughs & memories

The problem is I thought they knew me but they don’t really know nothing about me other than the beautiful grin that they often see come across my face.

Just like family

The words that came across paper transcripted in black ink slid under my mothers door because I knew that she was the only one smart enough to articulate what I’m saying in so many words.

Over the years she is still trying,

And even as I sit in my home dying inside i know she’d be one out of the few who would truly care if I did.

So I would never do that to myself or her or most importantly my Lord & Savior even as long as it has taken me to say that I need help.

I’ve tried to work on my health but I can only focus so much more on my mental.

Imagine the reasons why I’m really afraid. We all have our own reasons that’s why I’ve been checked out.

Always expected to bow down to man & his power which might be a little bit stronger than mine, in my lifetime.

And that speaks to the many of the possible reasons I’m alone.

Somehow, I am always in the wrong

And I’ll take that from everyone

So everybody can leave me the fuck alone

They don’t care how much of I have grown

They’ve never respected my growth, so what’s it to them? I’m forever going ghost on everyone.

Start making more of my own fun

In the flesh, been doing it on my own

I will reach into my temple, my spiritual home

I’m the only one I can trust

I will let these tears fall

And I will be back on my feet by tomorrow.