Hypoxia

From suicidally depressed

To mortified of death

Running out of breath

Running medical tests

I can't get any rest

My life is a mess

Restless and stressed

But I will fight for what is right

Until there's nothing left

From self neglect

To self respect

I don't want to die

It's just me, myself, and I

Four days and four nights all alone

This is my new home

Silence except for heartrate monitors

Breathing trackers and temperature thermometers

Heat me, treat me

I'm so cold and sick

Don't know if I'll make it

If my clock will still tick

If my heart will still beat

If my lungs will still breathe

If my blood will still pump

If my brain will still think

Harm

Intravenous needles in my arms

Bloodwork every single day.

Syringes, needles, pins, pills, X rays

Painful medication injected in my skin

Let me in, let me in

Counting the seconds until respiratory therapy

Force the oxygen inside of me

I'm so weak I can't even breathe on my own

All alone, all alone

Ruminating on every unrequited love

Praying to heaven above

Every regret, I can never forget

Every unpublished manuscript

Every guitar gathering dust

Every empty broken promise

Every betrayal of my trust

Like the last unicorn becoming human

Lady Amalthea, a mortal woman

I feel this body dying all around me

Death, regret, and sorrow surround me

Circumstantial, Happenstancial

Just because it happened

Doesn't mean I feel happy.

Sorry for being sappy

The syrup bleeds from me like maple

I hope that I'm able

To wrest myself free from the gnarly branches

Coincidence, serendipity, synergy, destiny, fate

I fear it's all too late

Like the compass' arrow

I looked to the tarot

To guide me in the right direction

Divination and introspection

Three cards shuffled of their own accord.

The world, swords of five, and swords of seven.

Part of me died and went to Heaven

Part of me died and went to Hell.

Part of me died and now haunts you as a ghost.

Part of me died and disappeared.

Part of me is still alive and well.

The world, symbol of my past.

Both first and last,

All that was, is, or will be

I am everything

Everything is me

Five swords represent defeat

Lies, manipulation, and deceit

Seven swords come together

Until the ties we must sever

It cuts me like a surgical scalpel

Pain is my holy chapel

I knelt at the porcelain throne

And made my visceral blood sacrifice

Uneasy, queasy, sleazy

Crying my heart out

Spilling my guts

I was stuck in a rut

When I was released, I had seven scripts

I was forced to see a pulmonologist

My life is changed forever

But at least I have a life worth changing

Instead of a permanent ineffable death

I wept every day

I sobbed all night

But the doctors held me still

The nurses kept me quiet

Silence, compliance, self reliance

Give us this day our daily meds

And forgive us our relapses

As we forgive those who relapse against us.

And let me not into hospitalization

But deliver us from the capitalistic corporate exploitational infrastructure of the pharmaceutical industry.

Amen.