hunting for my reflection

i used to dream id awake from this hunt.

finally recognising the girl in the reflection

i keep searching for myself

in the flicker of light in other people’s eyes.

older friends, older family,

people who know what they’re striving towards,

i secretly mimic their footsteps

hoping they’ll lead me to my hidden self

but i fall between the cracks of their world, sinking deeper into uncertainty.

i don’t know what i want.

not the job,

not the face,

not the people.

they blur together like reflections in moving water.

i reach out for one and another takes its place yet again.

constantly drifting, forever shifting

maybe i’ve mistaken all this movement for false progress,

confusion of a character.

maybe i’m not lost,

just made to be left unfinished.

the doubt creeps in

there’s haunting in not knowing who i am

in watching everyone else build themselves

while i’m still drawing the outline

choosing the pages

picking the colours

i plead that she will arrive slowly,

maybe in moments i stop hunting

and finally think still.

maybe this hunt will not ever end

and is reborn each morning

asking to be found again.

————

having bpd, there are many versions of me that reflect in every emotion i feel. i used to believe i would find a version of myself that would fit right. but know i believe that there is no final ‘me’, maybe i will always be lost and a little undone. there is growth in every mistake and lessons in every decision.

i think deep down that the fear of being lost shows that i want to be found, and maybe that is what my hunt was. proof that i still want to know myself. every uncertainty shows that i haven’t stopped trying, and for now, i am happy with that.