How To Die of Boredom

(Step 1: Birth)

It’s best if you are born in a time before streaming services or social media

But past the part of human history when you need to work very hard to survive

After Tupperware and microwaves, before memes and podcasts

So start there.

Be born earlier.

Or later, perhaps

About ten years before an apocalypse

So that you are raised with every possible entertainment at your fingertips

Enough so that you do not develop an adequate imagination

Because you never had to

Then the world goes sideways and you have to find ways to entertain yourself, but you cannot.

(Step 2: Life)

Go to a place with no trees or libraries

Preferably no electricity at all

Certainly no puzzles, or art supplies

And an absence of people watching

I guess we’re talking like, maybe a bunker

Which kinda goes with the whole be born later thing

A bunker that you didn’t have a lot of time to set up

Cement floor, white walls

Yeah, that should do it

(Step 3: Death)

Do nothing. You have nothing to do. Because you were born ten years too early, or probably late, and you took it for granted, and now here you are in an unenriching environment with no board games or stand up comedy or pickleball.

Sit, I guess, for awhile. Or lay down. Not important.

Eat gruel or whatever you have in your bunker because if you die of starvation then you didn’t die of boredom. And that’s cheating.

Wait.

Wait long enough.

I’m just speculating. I don’t think anyone has ever died because they were bored to death. But that’s probably how you would do it… just wait a really long time, and avoid doodling or making up stories or creating an imaginary friend or daydreaming.

Don’t get depressed

Your primary emotion has to be bored, specifically and especially.

If you die because you’re sad that’s cheating.

Keep waiting

It will come.

I think.

I mean

My God, it would be

So

Hard

To die of boredom