Holiday blue's

It has been a minute since that day.

The day I went to visit my parents randomly.

I didn't do that normally,

The relationship with my parents being, problematic.

~~~

It was a very on/off relationship.

When push came to shove,

Well, we knew when it was time to hit quit.

Or did we?

~~~

You called me a bitch

I called you a hypocrite.

We were both right.

~~~

Kidnapped was the word they used,

What a joke right?

I mean,

I was your fucking birth mother.

~~~

I never wanted to take your world

And flip it upside down...

Again.

But I couldn't help myself

But to try and bring you home

When her exact words were

"Oh, I'm not dealing with you right now."

CLICK.

~~~

I mean,

Who did she think she was?

I was your mother,

She was nothing more

Than your sperm doner's mother.

~~~

And you were only 15

And possibly pregnant,

Calling me for help.

~~~

But lest I forget,

I was the one

(Not the only one...)

But still,

I fucked you up.

~~~

I was molested by my dad from a (oh so young) age,

So all I knew from since I could remember,

Was that my core belief

Was that I was only worth something

If I was good to a man.

~~~

So men I brought,

Into my life,

Into my bed,

Into my home,

For you girls to watch on repeat.

~~~

And in order to do that

I had to be high out of my mind.

No soul left,

Just an empty shell.

~~~

Oh my God,

I'd become just like her.

I didn't realize it though,

Till you were out of my reach.

~~~

Too little

Too late

That's what they say...

~~~

They weren't wrong.

~~~

It's the holiday season,

The third Christmas I haven't seen you.

The first one sober.

Well soberish...

~~~

No hard drugs,

I usually don't drink either,

But this time of year,

Meaning,

The first year I'm off herion for Christmas,

Well,

I'm taking it harder than I expected.

~~~

So fireball

And honey crisp apple juice it is,

To chase you down.

~~~

No needles this year though,

No burning in the veins.

Just a sober me,

With regrets flooding me daily.

~~~

You're grandma won't answer my calls

Even though it was my choice to send you there,

Because I knew I was too sick for you.

I needed to get better.

~~~

And that promise I did keep.

But she broke her word.

You were supposed to be home by now.

But she has fully turned you guys against me.

~~~

I called your grandpa

To explain my position,

And in no fewer words he told me

Until you were adults

And able to make your own choice

I will have no part in your life,

Even though he could see my progress.

~~~

Too much damage done.

Oldest doesn't even want to see me.

Can I blame anyone but myself?

No, I can't.

~~~

It will just always kill me,

Knowing I was just a little too late.

Memories missed,

Moments forgotten.