Hmmm...

I am conflicted. I am very confused

Family-

This family means everything to me

Have you forgotten?

Have you not perused?

Daughter

You are my daughter

But you feel like a stranger

To think what you've done

Talking badly about me behind my back

Not just you

Your husband, too

Saying awful things to your siblings,

About ME!

I cry. I feel nauseous. I am disgusted

We were once so close

Now, you're not to be trusted

Betrayed, I feel betrayed

Even more so, knowing that you are aware

Aware of the fact: I know what you did

I know everything you said about me

BOTH OF YOU-

Him and my own kid

Unnecessary drama

No, I wasn't a perfect mama

Yet, somehow that point feels damning

I always stayed cramming

To give you all a better life

Mistakes

I made them

And I took responsibility

Somehow, as an adult

You see me as a liability

NO-

I won't give in

I won't confront you (or him)

I won't say a word because it's a trap

It will fire up conversations

Escalating a hurtful situation

I am already hurt

But I hide behind hidden emotions

Withholding all, simply and plainly

Mainly because I fear more damage

The only thing I can really say

"Hmmm"

Because I can't believe what you've done

Although I know it's the truth

I'm still processing it all

Uncommitted to a response

At least at this time

So I say it often while I am alone

Wondering where it all went wrong

How?

Why?

I honestly don't know

I just don't know

Hmmm...

*

My second entry in the Say It Plainly challenge is a personally reflective piece. The use of "hmmm" is not about metaphor. It's the simplest response, the only response I've had during alone moments while thinking about a real-life experience. The thought of potential estrangement scares me and my dreams have become nightmares because in my dreams, I confront the issue. And in my dreams, I pay the ultimate price without future access to my daughter, son-in-law, and grandson.