Heavy

There’s a heaviness that entangles my chest and knots my stomach when he comes around.

A sickness that encompasses my soul, a fastening to get away. The nausea I am left feeling eats away at the lining of my stomach. He looks at me but I look through him.

His intentions not pure and his heart callused with calamity of his careless past. He looks at me and I feel sick. They say the accused do the accusing and constantly he accuses. His complete lack of disregard for my timing, space and privacy would make a concentration camp seem like the Four Seasons.

I am not sure what all of this is or how to deal with it as I have tried to no avail.

A foreboding sense of doom over sweeps me and I feel as though even if successful at having him out of my life he would still be there. He would be there in the background like a disfigured statue just hovering. Better yet like a lion and I his prey. I feel in the very bowels of my stomach he would try to destroy me.

Some of the ways that come to my mind are through social media, smearing my reputation. Basically anything that he feels could cause damage or detriment to my life, finances, and potentially even those I love. This leaves me confused it leaves me feeling lonely without anybody to talk to. Because all they see is the fact that he keeps coming around. What they don’t see and what they don’t hear is me telling him to go away, not to call me anymore, and not to have people watching me like his crazy friend that lives next door to me. Today was a really hard day for me. I thought about Dianah a lot and how things might be if she were still here.

I still cannot help but think he knows what happened to Dianah or he definitely had a part and what happened to her. This add in an astronomical measure to my stress and anxiety in regards to him. I feel suffocated. I feel isolated and I feel cut off from those that I have formed long, important, meaningful, and loving relationships with. I have because of him left distraction in my path in peoples lives that I care about, this breaks my heart daily. While he may be careless with his heart, his words, his actions, I mindfully I’m not. They say trust your gut my God twice to make me throw up. Also the fact that my dear friend is no longer here among the living screams volumes. When he came back around it was only supposed to be for a moment but it seems that moment has turned into a daily nightmare. I know I need to have him exit out of my life but the question remains as to how? I have dealt with abusive situations that involve fist throwing, name-calling, downright belligerence but this dot dot dot this I don’t know what this is. Tomorrow’s Friday I think I’m gonna make an appointment to start speaking to a counselor. I have a feeling I’ll have a better idea of what this is and how I should move forward with it. Till then I’m looking over my shoulder focusing on maintaining a peace of mind and keeping the people that I love and that are dear to me safe and unaffected by whatever this is. The truth never changes with time and time reveals the truth.