heartbreak

i am not going to lie to you my friend, it is not going to be easy nor enjoyable. they may tell you that you will grow, you will not. they may tell you it is for the better, it is not. what i can tell you for certain is that you have learned, you have learned what not to do,

how to improve the next time, how to deal with the aches you feel at night. how to wipe away her reflection that you see staring back at you in the mirror. how to throw out the leftovers that remain in your fridge. how to stop the tears even when you feel like a dam about to burst.

is that growth? controlling your emotions, limiting yourself, hiding the pain? if it is, then hell, me and you are practically giants. stomping around searching for her and her treacherous beanstalk.

they say:

you must find someone to depend on, but don’t depend on them too much because that is bad.

you must find someone to care for, but don’t care for them too much because that will drive them away.

you must find someone to love, but don’t love them too much because that is dangerous.

is it a mistake that i keep repeating? slowly going more and more insane? is that why each time it hurts a little bit more, but i can hide it a little better?

am i only feeling this way because i am so young, or do i see things for what they truly are because i have fresh eyes and age deteriorates memories of pain? yes, “big picture”, things will work out, or will they?

i refuse to be a divorce statistic, i want to believe the “one” is out there somewhere. sipping on earl grey, laying in a hammock, listening to Jon Bellion, wearing an oversized hoodie, with her beautiful eyes and comforting arms.

i truly hope i’m not writing a fairytale and falling in love with my own words, but it is possible. because each time i think i’ve stumbled onto something real, i slip in the mud, slide into the grass, and get hit by a tractor. and i end up being flattened, waiting for someone to fill me back up with air. all the while, the reminiscent holes slowly letting the oxygen slip out of me.

my friend, you’re probably reading this and saying to yourself, this guy, this boy has his whole life ahead of him, why is this what he is worrying about? he can write, he has passion, drive, goals, he expresses himself, he’ll find the right person.

but that is just it.

i am scared that i won’t. this is just out of fear, as if through writing this i am warding away all of the bad juju.

i’m hoping, truly hoping, that you’re reading this, fearing the same thing. just know that you are not alone. one day, someone will be there to wipe away your tears. be there to hold you through your nightmares, be there to dance with in the pouring showers outside and inside, be there to depend, care and love not too much, not too little,

just right

-your goldilocks will come… i really hope so.