Head and Heart

This is a poem that I wrote shortly after I wrote "I Need You (to Let Me Go)" about the same ex-boyfriend who I dated before I met my husband.

Sometimes when you're in a dysfunctional relationship, your head can see all of the things that are unhealthy and wrong with it; while your heart, on the other hand, tends to stay blinded and only remembers the bright, happy, good times that you had together... that is, until it doesn't.

But I have learned to be grateful for this, as well as in all of my other experiences of heartbreak—because they all led me to my wonderful husband!!

You’re like my favorite sad country song,

And I can’t get you out of my head.

You’re so hot and cold with me,

And I really should want him instead.

But my head and my heart

Are playing tug of war;

My heart still wants you so badly,

But my head says, “Whatever for?”

And then my heart reminds me

Of all of the wonderful times that we’ve had,

But then my head quickly cuts in,

Reminding me of all of the times I was sad.

I wish I could get over this

And move past this path-paved Hell;

This path that’s filled with so much joy,

But so much pain as well.

But it’s so much easier said than done,

You’ve cast my heart under a spell;

You’re like a good-time Casanova,

But then my very best friend as well.

Why does this all have to be so hard?

Why can’t we just agree?

That you and I should be together,

You’re supposed to be with me!

But I’ve been holding on for far too long,

I’m not sure how much longer I can hold

Onto something that’s really nothing,

But my heart to you is sold.

But even though I gave my heart

Away so long ago,

I see now that when you took it,

There were some things you did not know.

For one, there is a policy

That you’ll find there in small print;

It has to do with breaking it,

Right there you’ll find your hint.

It simply states that if you break

And tell it hurtful lies,

When you want it back and it says, “Goodbye!”

That better come as no surprise.

But then the more and more I think

About everything with you and me,

The more I start to realize,

And really almost see -

I’m never gonna be good enough,

As hard as I try and try;

I’m never gonna be that girl you dreamed of,

And it’s hard, but I know why.

You’ve always had this skewed perception

And expectation of how she should be;

Basically, you want perfection,

And I’m sorry, babe, but that ain’t me.

You really like the way I look,

So that part you would keep;

But as for brains and maturity,

You wanted somebody a bit more deep.

Well, there are no mail-order magazines

For what you’re searching for;

When it comes to your “perfect” match,

You can’t buy her at a store.

It’s more of a shame for you than sad for me

For what you’re letting go;

I’m the best dang thing you ever had,

And that’s something you should know!

I know that I’m no super-model,

And I'm no Einstein, that’s for sure!

However, I do know I’m in love with you,

So what could you want more?

I know, it makes no sense to me

After all the Hell you’ve put me through;

All I know is that’s how I feel,

And there’s nothing I can do.

So please, please, PLEASE, I beg of you,

End this game once and for all;

If I’m really not the one you want,

Then please don’t ever call.

It’s really hard for me to say

All of this to you,

Especially when I still want you;

That still is somehow true.

But I cannot keep playing

This game of back and forth;

As much as I do love you, babe,

This game has caused too much hurt!

And all of this game-playing

Isn’t raising up my self-esteem;

It was fun for a minute or two,

But now it just feels mean.

So, as much as I really hate all this,

And the thought of leaving you makes me cry,

I can’t keep holding onto you like this

When you and I might be a lie.

So please just tell me right upfront,

Do you even THINK you wanna be with me?

‘Cause, if your answer’s “no” at all,

Then please just leave me be.