Hanging By A Thread

Mom...Mom.....Mom

Oh I longed to hear those words

From a child who was told he was doomed to eternal silence.

Instead all I hear is orcas and sharks

Cleaning up messes from Picasso on my walls

That are my other son's form of art.

My world you see is full of IEPS

And I am alone in this life of empty broken promises

Surrounded by the "We will be there" phrases and "I am so sorry".

But are you? Are you sorry?

My worries are mine and mine alone

But you were there.

You were there to beg and plead and to criticize why I stayed.

Why I didn't put down the ring

To question why I wasn't running but left me there

Choking and gasping for air.

Feeling like I'm constantly drowning

Bills and debt mounting while the voices of a million critics pierce my mind

Chicken nuggets are not a meal

You should put down your phone and do more.

While the pinterest moms are making their kids the crafts a plenty

I am on auto pilot surviving.

I'm making sure this ship stays afloat

But the world continues to poke holes in the haul and I'm sinking.

I love my kids and I am protecting them from the world

But I constantly feel like I'm failing.

The criticisms are harsher when they come from myself

But I know no other way.

So after a day full of cleaning and mending owies

I sink into my safe place- my bed.

My mind may race a million miles a minute

But there's no criticism here.

Comfort of blankets and incense in the air

Dragon's blood is home it's my layer.

Surrounded by crystals and house plants galore

It's my safe place from the world.

Amethyst, Tiger's Eye, Selenite, Obsidian, Citirine,

Calcites, Green Adventurine, Jades and Jaspers,

Towers and Spheres

I count them all on the nights where fears slowly creep in.

With their silent whispers reminding me of constant failures

Worried about the future while that whisper plays tug of war

With my past- it can bring you to your knees.

Feels like you are suffocating.

The thoughts are so loud, why don't they shut off?

Why won't they let me rest

I'm so tired

My body craves this deep sleep- the kind where your dreams

They feel like real memories.

Just as the drift finally settles in

And your body stops fighting

A little voice startles your system into over drive.

A giggle

A little cold foot

My little Picasso needs me.

So I shuffle over and make room to drift to sleep.

Drifting.... Drifting... Drifting....

Mommy? Can I sleep with you?

To night- just like every other night my bed is now the safe haven

For all those who systems won't shut down.

We fall asleep together

We wake up together

Our days are always together.

No matter what happens in the world today

I just know that we come home and my bed safely melts the worries

Away into tomorrow or the past slipping behid us.

No thought is exempt.

No feeling is void.

Just me, my bed, and my boys.