Growing Pains

Lately life has been heavy to bear

There's a dank sense of sadness permeating the air

There's a faraway look in my eyes when I stare

Because I wish that I could be miles from here

Geographically, I'm near to the ones I hold dear

Mentally I'm grief striken, full of despair

I'm losing the voices that help me steer clear

Of the dangers ahead even as they appear

I can't trust myself to love without fear

Of being taken advantage of

My visions impaired

My heart is divided, my sensibility slighted

And even though I've denied it

My eyes have constantly cried it

Metaphorical deaths as everyone changes

Literal loss as my life rearranges

The footholds I've had have been ripped from beneath

I struggle to climb, far off seems the peak

I can't seem to draw all of the breath I may need

Angst robs me of words that I wish to speak

But I swallow all of that, at least usually

So you claim to be blind to my pain when I'm bleeding

You cover my wounds so that you keep receiving

My energy, time, empathy - it's convenient

To you, at least when you have the right to pick or choose

The parts of me that most fuse with your current views

As terms go, I'm a good Christian, woman, and friend,

But I'm a whole person without any of them

I've taken up fighting my loved ones' demons

Then termed the villain in favorable seasons

I have poured into others who've left me depleted

Been abandoned when I needed my cries to be heeded

I've bent so far I am in danger of breaking

The voices in my head, so damn irritating

I give even when my reservoir is low

I keep my mouth shut so that no one will know

But the expectations - they never stop rising

And so I suck it up and keep on reprising

The role of someone who shows up when it's time

To be a good soldier, to make sure others are thriving

I am tired. I am hurting. I am constantly flirting

With the bounds of my sanity being ripped entirely from me

But who am I to give in when giving up is considered a sin?

I get up each day and pray I can make it

And even if I can't, I've learned how to fake it

How was your day? How are you feeling?

Oscar worthy performance

But inside I am reeling

Even as you ask about me, I sense you tune out

Then claim to know what my character's all about

Please! Stop pretending my worth isn't weighed

By if I answered a call or through abuse stayed

By your side to provide distraction from what you're most afraid

And to carry your burdens, slights, and everything else to my grave

Creation or evolution? Which way was I made?

Born to bear life's indignities with a smile,

Intelligence, and completely devoid of guile?

Evolved into a beast recognizing her own needs

Who stands on her own, enforces boundaries

So I wipe the tears away, push down the pain

Compartmentalize the demons I've slain

Paint my face up to hide superficial flaws

Pack emotional wounds with silence like gauze

Learning to lead with head and not heart

Won't let others' toxicity tear me apart

I'm strong and capable and the world will soon see

That God is my best friend and He don't play about me