Groceries

falling in love with you

was like watching the clouds move

slow

warm in the sun

with a soft place to lay.

your words of love glided over me everyday

like a waterfall of honey, double dipped in gold.

i feel like some word will be stuck to you forever

like a piece of chewing gum stuck to the bottom of a desk.

is it wrong to feel like chewing gum—

stuck to you?

i put all of my time and energy into someone

that made me feel like cotton candy,

but i didn't know that cotton candy had an expiration date.

maybe if you had made me feel like frozen broccoli,

we would have lasted longer.

i remember one day you told me that

grocery shopping was hard for you.

you were crying in the store,

and i imagined you in front of produce

with tears in your eyes.

that's me now,

i'm looking at the tomatoes

and i'm trying to find one that isn't bruised

but the tomatoes translate to something very real.

each bruise is another part of my life

ripe and brown and ready to fall apart

keeping it together by a thin layer of skin

hoping my insides don't burst at the seams.

i tried really hard to make you happy

like a kid trying to win a goldfish at a carnival.

i wanted you to know i could do it.

i could write about you

and send you sexy pictures

and wear the things you bought for me.

i could even talk to you when you were upset

i just wish i knew that every time you were upset,

it was because of me.

when your mind was racing at 74 MPH on 81S

dodging 18 wheelers and motorcycles that shouldn't be in the fast lane,

that it was thoughts of us in September,

wondering if we'd even make it to July.

i wish i had known that every i love you

was just i love you

but when i read them i saw fireworks

and my mouth tasted like Starbursts.

(not just any Starburst but pink Starbursts).

maybe if i'm a tomato,

you are an avocado.

you look okay on the outside, dark matte green—

i used to say that was your color,

but i open you up to a dull grey-brown color

instead of green.

i waited too long to use it and on the inside you have turned to mush.

i would be lying

if i said i pushed you to come back to school for you

because all i could think about was being together again

distance suffocated me, like a choke hold that never let up

and you're not the only one who had these thoughts racing through your mind.

but you were worth the wait

you were worth the wait of 3 years - no dating

of 20 years - to meet

and you're worth the pain of a few months

because distance is a lot like a lemon,

a happy color but a sour taste.

i re-read the things you to me

and wished i didn't

because when you said time moved slow in November

that's what i'll think about in February

when i see you walking past me

and i remember that you used to hold my hand

or that i gave you all of me

in every way i could

and i have never done that to anyone.

sometimes, i tell myself i shouldn't

have hidden the things i do from you

and i've been doing some self-exploration in the last 24 hours

but 24 hours won't fix a broken heart

and you can't make a tomato good again

eventually cotton candy goes stale

and you will run out of honey.

it's just me and God right now

and words are flowing out of me.

I know you don't pray,

so, i'll just think of you this evening

when I watch the clouds part

and the golden hour begin.

and yellow was so much apart me

and now so much apart of us

so, i'll just force a smile until I am happy again.

there is beauty in the breaking.