Future Black Slime in Refrigerator Crisper Purchased at Local Grocery

Future black slime in the refrigerator crisper, currently known as green onions, were purchased at a local grocery today by neighborhood resident Ted Stephens. “I’m making Pad Thai for my girlfriend for dinner tonight and need the green onions for a garnish and to give a little color to the dish” he said when asked about his decision to purchase the future pile of oozing black mush at the bottom of his refrigerator vegetable crisper. Despite a very poor track record of using any green vegetable purchased for any meal Mr. Stephens suggested this time would be differing saying “look, I know I don’t exactly have a reputation as the biggest vegetable fan, and I have, on occasion, left a head of broccoli or lettuce in the crisper for over a month, throwing them away only when the smell from the slowly putrefying sludge like black mass became too much to bear. But, this time is going to be different. I swear. Besides, onions aren’t really a vegetable, ? They're a fruit right? You know I don't actually know.”