freeze me 'til it's over

I don't want to die.

I just want to solve the problems

That make my life not worth living.

Yet my current biggest barrier

Is the process of living itself.

Would if I could sleep away the time

Until my troubles pass,

But alas, my body craves what all bodies do,

So periodic awakenings

Are concessions to the obligations of

Hydration,

Consumption,

Excretion,

Repetition.

I need to eat, as do we all,

But food costs money

And money is always short

To the point where if I do eat

At most it's one meal 

Of two slices 

Of toast with drizzled honey.

Sleep for dinner is a recurring feast,

An unwanted fast through most of my days,

Losing weight a lifelong embuggerance

I would prefer not to do via starvation.

But sleep eventually always gets interrupted

By stomach's grumbling chorus of dismay,

And so I must consume and consume and consume

To appease the body's natural ways.

Debts and bills and subscriptions aplenty.

No matter how many you stop

There's always another.

The expensive invaluables uncancellable,

The luxuries of entertainments 

The only avenues of momentary mental escape.

Prices jaggedly rise and fall like crooked teeth in the jaws of economy,

Biting, gnawing, tearing away at every freedom

Until I submit to their goal of my willing non-existence,

Fed to the machine that feasts on the poor to feed the rich.

I'm all too aware of my uselessness.

Too ill in mind and body to function as worker,

Not ill enough to warrant the grace of state.

Can't get to worthwhile jobs without a car,

Can't learn to drive if I can't afford the lessons,

Can't afford the lessons or the car without the job

To pay for the lessons and the car to get the job.

Can't afford to properly look after myself,

Can't afford to love someone else,

So I'm unhappy and unable to like myself,

And how can I expect to be liked or loved

When no one else can love you until you love yourself?

And so I'm doomed to be trapped

In cycles recursively vicious

For what feels like forever.

A limbo of my own making.

So why not make that limbo

Last a little longer,

Without dying to get there?

The permanent solution

To these temporary problems

Is a no-go, I know.

No matter how often

The ideation may tempt.

So I wish I could be frozen,

Cryogenically or otherwise,

So I could live without living

Long enough to reach

The other side.

Where my cost of living

Doesn't have to be spent

On stupid sustenance

To stupidly solely survive,

And thus each month's subsequent savings,

Unencumbered by bodily upkeep,

Could finally repay my debts

In months instead of years.

I wish I could be frozen

Until the day I've saved up enough

To at long last buy back

My mother's ashes

That've been waiting since the funeral

I failed to pay for

Close to a decade ago.

I wish I could be frozen

Until the day I can afford therapy,

And talk to a person qualified to hear all this, 

Rather than dump my woes on those I know,

And risk my myriad miseries

Making me a leech on other people's happiness.

The guy too sad to talk to for too long.

I wish I could be frozen

Until the day I'm not afraid and ashamed

Of everything I've failed to do

That everyone else my age already did

Half our lifetimes ago.

Friends married with children,

While I've never even held a girl's hand.

Everyone else ten steps ahead of me

Before I've even taken my first.

I wish I could be frozen

Until the day this is all a distant memory,

When these years of anxiety

And hunger

And isolation

And desperation

Have all ceased to be.

And maybe then

I can be allowed to finally thaw

Into something I've never truly known:

The warmth of what a life should be.