Fragments of a Heart Left Behind

Journal Entry Day 229

I thought we were building something real once. My heart feels heavy again, and I’m tired of pretending it doesn’t. I carry the weight of the love I hold so dearly for her — or maybe it’s just loneliness trying to fill the gaps of her carved into my thoughts. No matter what I do, I can’t extinguish the light I hold of these memories. I can’t stop the gripping ache in my chest, as if my heart is beating its last beat.

Her laugh. The way she talks. How bright her smile is, and the energy she brings into a room. Her eyes filled with life and peace, so easy to get lost in. Even the little things — her walking by my desk saying hello, offering me gum, or stopping by to crack a joke and gossip — they stick with me, each moment etched into my memory and meaning more than they probably should. A picture perfect moment frozen in time.

She brought light back into my dark life and made me feel new again, something I haven’t felt in many years. For the first time, I felt like someone saw me the way I’ve always wanted to be seen. I let myself believe I could be worth something to her. But in the end, I was left standing alone, holding onto hope in silence.

She told me she needed to be single, and I respected that, even though it hurt deep down. I thought all she needed was time and space to heal — to find her peace again, and maybe, eventually, to find her way back to me. So I left my heart cracked open, waiting for the moment she might see me again. But when she told me she was going on dates, it shattered me to the core. Not because I have any claim to her, but because it reminded me how much I love her — and how much it hurts to be just a friend in her life with her so close, yet so far away.

I hate that I still get my hopes up with every text, every invite to hang out, every hello in the mornings, or every post I see online. I hate that I replay every moment, wondering if there’s still something there — or if I’ve just been fooling myself. She doesn’t owe me anything, but the ache won’t stop. I keep getting close to love, only to watch it walk right past me, unaware I’m standing there, my arms open to accept its warmth.

I wish I could hold her one more time — just hold her and feel that calm she used to bring me. I want to tell her I love her, but I know it wouldn’t mean anything to her. All I know is that I’m tired. I’m tired of hurting, tired of wondering, tired of hoping, and tired of not being enough for her. I'm tired of how loud this silence, this loneliness is.

I miss her. God, I miss her so much.

End of entry - 11/13/2025