Forgetting you

I wake to find the other side of the bed cold

After all this time, I still check

I guess it’s reassurance that you’re actually gone

I’ve missed you for 205 days today

And sure, yeah, it is easier than before

But sometimes I wish it wasn’t

Sometimes I want the raw pain again

Because it makes me feel closer to you

Closer to the day I still had you wrapped in my arms

I set fire to everything you ever gave me

It was so satisfying to watch flames eat away at your face

And now there’s nothing but my dreams to remind me of you

If you only exist in my memory, were you ever really here at all?

The scars covering my once shattered-now very delicate-heart would beg to differ

It’s the sweet dreams, like last night’s, that hurt the most

It’s as if my soul remembers how perfectly yours cocooned mine

How we fit together like a crescent moon

But no matter how preciously my hand intertwined with yours

I’d cut mine off before I reached for yours again

Your love was like the sun on a December morning

Tricking me into believing it was warm enough to come outside

Only to be met with bitter cold and a runny nose

And I fell for it every time

It was like trying to catch a glimpse of the moon on a cloudy night

As it shyly peaked from behind the black of night

And I still tried every night to see you

Somehow you still reach through and poison my thoughts

Making me remember the beautiful moments

The softness of your skin against mine

The hopeless desire I feel for you always

It’s in these moments, amidst these thoughts and memories

That the good outweighs the bad

I have to tell myself over and over again

“No more chances, you’re better off, something better is coming”

But I still distrust myself

I piece through every conversation we ever had

Looking for some sign I missed

Because how could I have been so wrong?

I wish you were never really here

Because I fear that now I’ll love you forever

And all I want to do is forget about you