Forfeiture

-By the time I was 18, I had lost three fathers

The first I lost to a different life, a different family

The second I lost to a war that forced into little more than a memory

The third I lost, cold and alone, to an empty bus stop with no-one to treat his stroke.

-My real father taught me the value of accepting responsibility

My youngest uncle taught me how to be a man, how to live self-sufficiently

My great uncle taught me the importance of not losing the battle with my self-defeating mentality.

All three crafted the base of who I am, and the only one left is now someone else’s dad.

-By the time I was 18, my brain told me to go fuck myself.

I was at the beach eating chips with my best friend

I blacked out and awoke in an ambulance, sore and disoriented

I was sure of only one thing, this was the beginning of the end.

-At 19, nearly everything was gone.

My memory, my confidence, my will to go on.

I became a zombie, every day another run through the motions.

The seizures threatened to drown me, so I ignored the weight of that ocean.

-20 and I’m already an alcoholic, Every opportunity for liquor a chance at erasure

A few drinks was impossible, i devoured whole bottles

My friends were concerned, my girlfriend gone, but still the drinking had to go on

And on

And on

And on

The sounds of my vomit an attempted swan song

I wanted to die, my brain, my soul, traitorous as can be

Even a vision of a happy future certainly beyond reach.

-21, finally old enough to buy the booze I used to avoid my grief!

Yet I looked at my family and started to think maybe being an alcoholic wouldn’t help me stop pitying myself.

Even if I was a happy drunk, that sorrow, that anger, that disappointment hid beneath the boisterous exterior.

-So I switched to weed.

-I took my meds regularly for once, the seizures stopped visiting,

By all means I should have been better, but the meds were killing me.

Emotions deadened, desires obsolete, my outlook on life… somehow more bleak?

-22 and I was still dull.

The only noteworthy mental event being a dissociation and breakdown after taking two tabs of acid that burned through my mind in full!

College became even more secondary to my misery fest, and yet I persevered!

Even after that little incident, I kept my goal clear: at least fucking graduate and make your mom proud.

-So I did, so I did, yet my path was ahead was blurred, unsound

The footing was rocky, my resolution incomplete,

The footing was rocky, my deprecating thoughts cycling on repeat,

The footing was rocky, oh, the footing was mischievous indeed.

-By the time I was 23, I had admitted defeat.

There’s nothing I can do, woe is me, woe is me.

-So… fuck it, right? Even if I lose my head, it’s better than accepting death

Suicide sure is appealing, always a consideration, yet my eyes were filled with the vision of a next step

My brain’s malady can only stop me from taking each one temporarily.

-By the time I’m 24 I’ll have made a decision.

Law school or a master’s degree, I’ll be taking those steps I’ve envisioned.

-As long as I don’t give in,

As long as I don’t give in,

Fuck, as long as I don’t give in

-There’s a future ahead, if I can just reach out and seize it.