Fire Starter

I decided to take a look into the glass and what I saw set me on fire. It took a moment to realize that I was burning. It was like it snuck up on me. It threw me into a state of panic. I stopped breathing for half a second. I decided to close my eyes and take a deep breath in. The impact felt like an injustice, I got defensive and I shut the door but I kept the peephole open. I was still curious. I looked through the keyhole and I saw the embers glowing and a voice spoke so sweetly that it lulled me like a lullaby, but I had to stay strong.

I don't know why but my eyes began to water, I felt lightheaded, you're a firestarter, burning through my walls breaking down my barriers, and moving into my heart like a bolt of lightning. I wasn't ready for it. Why did you look to me for this? Why are you trying to break down my walls? I built them up for a reason. I don't need you to see my scars. I am trying to stay strong. There was no response, only an orange glow through the peephole. I shuddered and stood back from the door.

I say, “someone was already let in and they burned all I had, but it wasn't a quickfire. It started as a slow burn and ended in a blaze of heartache and pain. I mean the scar tissue is really bad. And now you want the opportunity to do the same?” The embers' voices spoke but without sound.

No?!

Then why are you here Firestarter? What do you expect to gain by burning down my walls? Is this a game for you? I want my head to take over but my heart is fighting me on this and I don’t know why. It wants to be free, but I want to keep it under wraps. Firestarter is this something you do often? Come through walls burning away the pretenses and fallen dreams? Is it from the ashes that you find your reward? Are you like a spirit animal? Do you rise like the phoenix as well?

Silence.

I can feel my light fading and in a second I may burn up. Amongst the ash, you will find me. I don't want you to watch the process. It is hard, I will scream out, the pain will be too much. Can you bear to watch this? Or is that in your nature? Have you experienced it so much so that you are un-bothered by it?

My screaming gets louder. Part of me hopes that I will emerge from this fiery death anew and the other part of me lost, hoping for a rebirth. I see it as the end. I sink into the ground. Then, there is that tiny tiny voice in the depths that says to trust the process, hold on, and hope. I dare not hope. The light is dimming, my eyes are fading fast. I take one last look around and one last breath. Your glow is the last thing I see, your warmth is the last thing I feel. I fade and I am gone.

I can hear the screaming as I travel below the earth. There is a rumble and the restrictions that were placed upon me vanish into thin air and I can think in the silence more clearly. I am letting go, I am free. I am leaving the rational mind and situations and then I hear it, a crack, then I see a spark, then a loud boom, and I can feel fire engulf me from the inside out and I scream and raise my hands to the heavens.

Something, no wait, someone grabs my hand and begins to pull. As they are pulling my body ignites more and more until I am set full ablaze. My head slowly rises from the pile I just sank into, and I can peer out and all I see is a dark forest. It's like looking at a sunrise and trying to shield your eyes from its sheer magnificence.

This hand is still pulling me up and when I finally have one hand free, I push it into the soft earth and my hands instantly cool off. The dark scaly bits of charred flesh flakes off and a new hand emerges glittery and bright. The hand that pulled me up, let me go and I used that hand to push into the earth for stabilization and it too was charred.

You would think that this part was a painful experience but surprisingly it didn't bother me at all. As I began to push further into the earth I felt a surge of strength. As I lifted the rest of my body from among the ashes. All I could see was charred flesh, but the scent was that of fresh lavender and not burnt skin. The light began to hurt my eyes as I watched the sunrise alongside me. I am completely naked and you fire starter stand before me and smile. This is the first time I see you. We are face to face, in turn, I smile back for I sense that what has brought me to this moment was you.

I didn't ask for it (or maybe I did, in one of my prayers) You approach ever so gently watching with a strict intention, you are slow to speak, for I fear had you said anything the words would have been deafening. You stop and take your gaze from mine and you hold out your hand. I am reluctant to accept, for I feel it may be a trap. So you take a step backward, hand still extended.

I paused and tried to contemplate what was happening, but I couldn't, my brain was empty. I had nothing to reference this behavior off of. No interpretation to glean. I began to panic and sway side to side. You noticed my change fire starter and you turned up the heat. In doing so the temperature rocked me and set me on fire as well. My heart began to beat faster and harder, it was as though my heart formed its own hands and they began to reach for you.

I couldn't stop it and I tried, Lord knows I tried to stop it from reaching your hands, but it was too late. You took my heart's hands and you cupped them and kissed them gently. The rhythm and pace of my heartbeat increased until I was unable to hear anything from the outside world. I just remember questioning, why are you doing this to me? Why can I only hear your voice?

What do you want with me? Answers began to download in my brain faster than I could interpret them. What was happening? You kept saying the word Love and the word Peace and the word Conscience over and over. You said these were the offerings you had for me if I wanted to accept them.

I closed my eyes to respond because my mouth would not open. The old part of me that needed that control, that “safe space” well it was quickly drying up. You see I am Air and I can flow through all things. That is how I came to be, it is the only truth I ever knew. So for Air to meet with Fire, this was a new ballpark for me. I opened my eyes and without words, I tell Fire that I can aid Fire in burning away the lies to get to the truth if I choose; but if I go too hard I can extinguish Fires substance and end up alone. I need to learn the gentle breeze and how to give just enough to keep the fire burning and to keep the breeze from becoming stagnant.

As our celestial bodies continue to converse, I drop my veil. You walked closer to me, your hand still extended. I nod and my heart reached for yours. We embraced as carefully as we could to not take one another out. There we found peace, and love, and consciousness. Neither of us is afraid of what would happen next.

Fire and Air, a deadly combination or a saving grace?

Whatever the meaning, we were willing to comply. We held on for what seemed like an eternity. We unlocked our embrace and stood back to admire what had transpired. The door was burned away, all that remained was the frame. I questioned that scene. Maybe it was left as a reminder, a reminder to be a window and not a door.

An entity that could always look out on the situation with kindness and love and see the full story, and still be shielded from its painful processes, rather than a door with its peepholes and keyholes. Only ever looking narrowly and never gaining the full truth. Protecting oneself sure, but never allowing the light to help you grow.

Fire Starter, I ask this of you. Let down your guard, burn away only what is necessary. I will sit by the window and watch the sunset with you and envelope myself with your warmth. Light and peace will continually be within. As long as we can remain friends.