Fear

The other day I was standing on the the roof of the 18 story building that I’ve been working on.

I was on the very edge, tied off with safety Equipment, looking down to the street below, the cars looking like hot wheels. And I realized....I wasn’t afraid. I didn’t feel fear, just an awareness and respect for the danger.

Thoughts of the past came to my head,

I once used to be afraid of everything. Throughout the day, I would think of a thousand ways bad things could happen, to my girls, my family, my friends and me.

The sense of impending doom filled my every waking moment.... even in my sleep I was plagued by nightmares. I wandered through life lost and terrified. Alone in my fear because I wouldn’t allow anyone in. I was so ashamed of who I had become.

The only adventures I would go on, was on Netflix, locked away in my room. Pathetically dreaming of who I wanted to be. Crying and begging for a different life, as I took another drink and lit another cigarette. To whom would I beg?? No one was home to hear my cries. I was alone, with a bottle. But, no matter how much I wanted to be, I wasnt ready.

But a little over 3years ago, that changed. I was finally ready, and on christmas day of 2016 I took my last drink. I received a second chance at life. I am no longer just existing. I no longer lay in a glass coffin, in agonizing, self inflicted pain, watching the world move past me. Faces blurred and seasons grey and cold.

About two years ago I decided I couldn't live off of 13$ an hour. I knew I needed something more for my children and me. so I started a path that went from Oregon trades women to local 16 Sheet Metal. I not only make a living wage but I absolutely love what I do.

I now stand on that edge, 18 stories up, with faith, courage and determination.

I stand tall with gratitude, dignity and love. I face my fears and experience adventure.

I feel the warmth of others and see the colors of the world.

What a blessing....

As I fall, I Fly

Standing on the edge of a mountain…

Feeling the wind whip around me in subtle song of silence

The landscape timeless... endless... the clouds hover softly over snowy mountains

I look down to an infinite space…

On the precipice of complete freedom

Fear holding me tightly, unwilling to take the next step

The mountain crumbles beneath my feet.

When the last footing is gone, I fall…

When I open my eyes, I find myself floating,

I am then free to fly

For as I fall, I fly

Standing on the edge of a mountain..

Feeling the wind whip around me in complete silence

The landscape full and rich, the clouds hover softly over snowy mountains

I look down to an endless space.. on the precipice of complete freedom

Fear nagging a at me, yet I feel peace and acceptance

I open my arms wide, raise my face to the heavens and lean forward.

I begin to fall

Forcefully the gravity take me

And then…

I am flying

For as I fall, I Fly