Fear

It's a confession I'm afraid to admit. I've let the turbulence consume and rob me of my fortitude. I keep going because I've give myself no other choice. I've sought my freedom for many years and I refuse to relinquish it so willingly. I fear I'm not good enough to accomplish anything worthwhile. I fear I don't matter and that all of my goals are naive and unrealistic. I've convinced myself that I'm not worthy enough to live with happiness. You manipulated me into believing it too. Living with toxicity and breeding with it has made me cautious of every single blessing coming my way. It's easier to doubt my path than strive with confidence. What little I had, you stripped from me. Little by little, you chiseled away with your hammer until my marble foundation came to ruins. As much damage you inflicted, I wished you just as much harm so you could feel all of the pain I was suffering from. The abuse we endured and all the trauma we caused just forced me to become bitter and resentful. The fear has left me pitying myself. Our symmetry was never aligned how I wanted. You can lie to yourself but I cannot. I face the truth everyday and it is fear that punishes me so. Fear of the future where I'm afraid I'm forever unworthy of love. My insecurities have exacerbated my anxiety. This anxiety cripples me until I unravel, thread by thread. When the moment passes, I stitch myself back together again. I am excellent at building myself back up again. I just have to fall apart first. Will I ever be worthy enough for love to find me? Will I ever find true inner peace? Anxiety holds my hand but offers no comfort. Fear walks beside me but is not my friend. Bravery is a trait I keep searching for. Confidence is not my strength but I have no choice but to keep going. Mostly out of spite but also to prove I can do this. I fear I have been condemned. I fear I am doomed by my own failures. I've come so far just to remember how far I have left to go. To be satisfied would be a luxury. Anxiety is a burden I wouldn't wish on anybody. Fear is a motivator when there is no other option available. By default, I will keep on persevering. I will keep being resilient because I have no excuse. Anxiety will always be here but it won't always control me. Fear won't always make me so insecure. My flaws are not defined by my own high expectations and standards. My grim view of reality is not real. Anxiety, please be kind to me. I really am trying my best. Fear, I beg you to at least let me lead the way. I must travel far to find myself. Please allow me to do this.