Fake News

A poem written by me in 2020, as I was discovering my evolving sexuality later in life, amidst the chaos that unfolded that year. This is a swirl of a conversation between both myself, as well as the discourse around ignorant people who are intolerant to queer folks. For most of us, understanding our queerness and owning it can come with a lot of guilt and shame.

For me, part of the reason I didn't feel safe to celebrate my queerness at the time was because of all the suffering, death, and violence LGBTQIA+ people were experiencing, and also just humanity as a whole. It was extremely painful for me to witness people dying of covid, of police violence, and of a lack of access to resources.

This conversation was born from a lot of guilt and grief both from my personal life and from feeling helpless watching humans suffering in real time and not feeling like I was doing enough to be a part of this great shift in humanity. I was deeply depressed and debilitated by illness. It just didn't feel right celebrating anything at the time. Writing was all I had the energy to do. So this is my contribution of art to that moment in time. Combined with recent photos of me attending my first pride parade, 4 years later.

I got trust issues.

So when you say you're a friend.

I'll be honest, I don't really believe you.

Hidden.

Embraced

by the 4 dark corners of my room.

where I always felt most safe.

averted from anyone - everyone's gaze

vibrating and vibrant in a sea of whites and greys - I feel so out of place

Quick! blend in, turn down the saturation,

whatever you do, don't make any indentations

Don't deviate from the typical vibrations

Deviant! Heathen!

Hidden

where I learned to live. To survive.

But being hidden is no life

Because hidden - I will never thrive

so I make a choice, open my throat and use my god given voice

I stand with pride

My human nature, like the stars I align

aura aglow with glitter and shimmer

mysterious mists of pink yellow and blue

It's June

So I say the words

I am pan. Love is Love and I will no longer hide

Queer and cute.

So what if I'm a little different inside.

Hey you! A voice booms.

Maybe a dozen. Maybe two.

Bible belt, it's something else, not America, SOS - they need some help!

Cut that nonsense out, you only do it for the clout, you're not gay you're just confused,

It says right here in this here book, fake news

that kind of thinking is not approved

you are much too colorful

said the 'scholar'; what a fool.

Inclusive

My heart flutters, a sparkle of hope

maybe we can redeem ourselves, I think

I hope

Finally humans are being acknowledged and accepted

I mean its basic human reverence.

But where's the line of predatory corporations and true acceptance?

Is it a trend to be inclusive or is it genuine?

How do I trust you? Is it safe to let you in?

Do you see a human

or is this just the Trueman Show,

a delusion?

No pun

intended

It was just a joke. But what about my intentions?

Surely, what I meant matters more than how you took it?

We must be inclusive!

it's the politically correct thing to do.

Its June!

Time to update the hashtags in our Bios

We'll paint some rainbows and hang some flags

Tone deaf marketing, performance art, sparkling

"yass honey"

You know, get real chummy with the -

Oops, almost let it slip, can't let them know I'm a hypocrite

They'll never know I secretly fund Fox News

They don't need to know my real views.

Performance

Finally, I attended my first pride event

What a high

What a rush

To be doused in glitter and rainbows

and scream "Love is Love"

But is it safe here? Is it safe to feel this joy without guilt?

Why do I carry a glimmer of rage mixed in with my glitter?

How do I align

How do I proceed?

Without making this collective pain all about me on IG?

So much suffering and death and unprocessed grief

To even have this conversation

Black Trans Bodies at the revolutionary lead

Black Trans bodies in the bloody pools at our feet.

oh - It's still not safe here.

And how the hell am I supposed to take legislative action when some days I can barely feed myself and wash my own ass and -

I can't even call my own family and friends

Calling congress? Hard pass.

How can it feel like such a profound leap forward and so much work left to do at the same time?

And why why why isn't it common sense to just - I don't know, accept each others differences and let people live their lives?

Enough mind banter, let me enter -

this experience.

So I dance. Dance as an act of resilience. Dance as an act of resistance.

Dance as an act of spite.

You can take away my pride, you can take away my rights, but you'll never take my light.

So I dance. I dance for those who can dance no longer.

And sing for those who's voices are long gone.

I decide, I am allowed to feel joy.

How dare you? A whisper

How dare you??? Louder

How dare you feel the freedom of love while the world is engulfed in flames?

How dare you feel joy and celebrate life when the world is collapsing

Covert colonizers, narcissistic boomer greed, ozone holes pandemics and fast fashion

I want to feel joy at the acceptance and being seen

but am I safe here? Do I deserve this? When the work is unfinished

Yes I did it.

Yes I said it.

Yes I came out, and yes I danced.

But this is only the beginning.

As long as my siblings fall, I'll never feel like I'm winning.

So I ask you -

When the party's over

and the month turns to July,

where do you align?

rainbow or red white and blue

Are you really an Ally,

Or was that just fake news?