Existentialism

The quiet silence that is being alone in your own head. The world is crash and loud, but you feel it pressing down around you. At best, it briefly pierces through your years. At most, you watch the stream of light through your eyes. It is like being under a blanket of water, where the occasional spear of air and bubbles pound down around you. It disappears in all but your memory. It is the memory that hurts. The understanding that there is a world outside of the numbness. That there is some kind of life to be had. But it just … can't quite … reach.

It is with icy clarity that you walk, alone through this world, only occasionally bumping up against another brightly colored bubble. It is with some certainty that you wave, aware your impression will only briefly register before you are gone.

You can stand, quietly, in a field, and the things which you take in will not even be a drop of a drop in a giant sea.

It can be heartening. To know you cannot really hurt the universe you were born into. But it is also so, so alone. It is a cast of sunlight on your face, that you will see and many, many, many, many people after you will see. But even then, the sunlight is just a temporary piece of lamplight among a busy city in the sky. It lasts hardly longer than you.

So when your bubble bumps against a tiny part of someone else's, anything can happen. A birth, a death, a friendship, or simply passing you by. There is little consequence. Little you can do. But it could be something.

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Postscript:

I find myself struggling with existentialism more than I would like. There is little comfort or remedy for it. Poetry is nice though. It can be quite fun to see what comes of it. Writing in general as a medium to feel like you matter can be quite good. I particularly like creating something physical, to feel a bit like something you are making is turning up in the world. I can highly recommend writing and creating if you ever want to feel more in the moment.

If my poetry is of any interest to you, please do check out this little puzzle poem I wrote not too long ago about AI in the comments section on Vocal. It may be of interest to you.