Endless Work

Why do the gremlins yell loudest when I'm working so hard? Working to undo so many years of pain and struggle…

Why do they whisper things that make me cry? It's like taking two steps forward and five steps back.

Why do they tear at my resolve when I feel like I'm getting somewhere with myself? There seems to be no winning with them.

Why do I feel so terrible about myself when I speak about the shame that keeps me stuck? I don't want it in there taking up space that would be filled with joy instead.

Why don't I trust myself? Well… years of experience has told me that I'm a failure and unworthy of love so it must be true after all...

Why do I believe that? It's reaffirmed in everything my "loved" ones tell me over and over and over again so it must be true…

Dangerous thoughts creep around my consciousness when they get loud like today.

I have to physically tell them to stop, to shut up, to go away and let me have some peace.

And in doing this I feel emotionally wasted every time, like I've been fighting a battle I stand no chance at winning.

They keep me just alive enough to make sure I can withstand another attack.

Over and over again.

This repetitive pattern doesn't serve me and I know it. But it's there, living in my head and tearing me down in every way possible. Reaffirming these lies so that I am just strong enough to believe I can get through it.

Until the next time

And the next.

I'm supposed to get a choice on how this ends, but what is the end, except a new beginning that always leads to the same place?

What end is there that leads to something other than this?

And how do I get there from here when all I want to do is end it permanently?

They say I can "fix it" but what does fixing anything mean, but to remove the problem? I'm the problem after all. Everyone keeps telling me so, even the gremlins.