Ending of a Lantern

The lantern light, life within me

grows dimmer with each passing day

I ask for help and get told that

"we are sorry, there is no way..."

Take me back to court he demands

Make me follow the agreement

While also telling me how dare...

how dare I keep the commitment?!

We have to take him at his word.

Trust the word of someone who lies?

We have no way to enforce orders

custody is just civil court

But, so are protective orders.

So when he assaults me again...

If he hurts our children again...

Then if I were to somehow gain

An order for protection in...

the civil court - it would be just

another piece of paper meant

to protect with an inked "must"

Please send me help!!! Okay, well then...

Go to court admin who cannot

Go to the doctor who cannot

or ask the county who cannot

Maybe just get a lawyer then?

How as a disabled mother?

Maybe the money that he says

that I stole as a golddigger?

Maybe just use the child support?

Children do not need food or heat

I suppose that is what they mean?

I should have just stayed getting beat!

I know this one thing for certain:

Getting slapped, thrown into the wall

Is far less painful to me than

justice is not yours after all.

Desperation is the point when...

people really start getting feared.

Is it true or perhaps it is...

just another lie told and heard?

I am desperate for money...

But I cannot rob any banks...

I am desperate for safety

Yet follow abused orders... thanks.

Know: if my lantern light goes out

tonight or any other night

A life taken to gain freedom

to escape deepest pain, alright?

I want you to know how much you

- all "professionals" - have failed here!

And do not dare to patronize

me with "oh, we tried - sorry dear!"

What you taught wins in this life? Lies.

What only matters in this world?

That pain, darkness consumes us all.

I am not welcome in this world.

If I dared to harm my children

water too hot or allergens...

perhaps just shrug when they have bruises...

give alcohol as vitamins?

You have claimed you would protect them!

I would lose them in mere heartbeats!

Yet since they are stable with me...

you shrug and ignore allowed cheats.

So you are telling me that this...

"life" is as good as it can be...

since I am here filling gaps where...

you cannot or will not help me.

Professionals helping blow out

the broken lantern of my life.

My presence is harming my kids

the implication heard in life.

Maybe with my lantern given

as a sacrifice, a symbol...

Maybe then my children would be

safe, happy, and free afterall.

Not suicidal - only tired.

Giving up hope for anyone

to help or to do their sworn jobs?

Yes - sums the learning I have won!

I am simply a mother held...

captive with disability...

abandoned with little income...

trapped in abused stability.

My little lantern burns DESPITE...

all of the "help" I have received.

When it does crush me, no worries...

I know that lies will be believed.