Ego ll: Undesirable Emotions

Round and round we go

All these years secrets unfold

Day shines through you like beams of light

Night tells me something’s not right

Tried to hide me from your darkness

But the thought of you tearing me down

Brought me back to life



___



I remember that it hurt

When I found out the truth

Maybe there’s something wrong with me

And it isn’t just you

Can’t undo genetics

It’s hard to know where my head is when it’s been messed with

Taught me everything I knew

But I’m smarter now because of you



___



For years I knew something was off, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I was 25 when I found out my Dad was bipolar. I was angry, yet relieved and worried all at the same time. I felt an instant panic take over my body. I thought “What if I am too?” I was upset it took someone this long to tell me, that it took me this long to figure it out.

My parents were my first experience of love so my beliefs of myself reflected what they had shown me and I created my life based off of that.

My dad would call me stupid more times than I could count, growing up I really believed I was because I could never understand what he was saying. Come to find out, his behavior was delusional and he wasn't making any sense.

I know now, it was something he learned within his environment growing up. We learn a lot from our parents, our environment, the people we hang out with, and society as a whole. Sometimes, it's what we get to unlearn later in life. I thought my parents pain was mine to carry, I know now, it's not. I know now, I decided to believe a lie I was told at a young age that turned out to be a blessing in disguise in order for me to see the truth. I know now, I was never stupid.