ed

to be happy or to be skinny?

to be sad or to be fat?

those calculators in my head

won't stop counting the calories of

every food i ate

every drink i drank

and even the smallest speck of pepper would make a big difference

those calculators in my head

will count the calories of

every step i take

every movement i do

and even try to pay off all the calories of what i ate for the day by just pure mad exercising

those calculators in my head

took over me and my life entirely

and all day every day was just calories and numbers

and it overwhelmed me so bad

i lost me.

what was the point of living then?

a day gone by without exercise

and i would blame myself inside

for not exercising

causing weight gain

and being fat.

a day gone by with the words "you're fat" in my mind all day

and i would break down

as i exercise

as i stand in front of the mirror constantly fat shaming myself and pinching on every excess fat that i have around my waist my arms my legs my face my body

now i no longer see a banana

as a 108 calories worth of food

i see a banana as a god damn banana

now i no longer see running

for the sake of losing weight

but for the enjoyment of running

and not burning off 200 calories

now i no longer see 2 oven baked sweet potatoes

equivalent to 30 minutes of jump rope

or 15 minutes on the treadmill at a speed of 10.0

but it's now up to me to decide

if i should find happiness

or find the perfect body size.

why for suffer when you can be happy?

i just want to stop being fat.